


Broken

by Springfieldbluebird



Series: Not to Yield [1]
Category: Star Wars: Rebels
Genre: AU, Alternate Universe
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-31
Updated: 2018-11-24
Packaged: 2019-06-19 16:20:54
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 24,231
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15513732
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Springfieldbluebird/pseuds/Springfieldbluebird
Summary: A "Not to Yield" prequel.Several years after Kanan Jarrus's mysterious death, Ezra is still struggling to hold himself together after the loss.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: (You can skip this part if you want) Hi, all. This came out of me all at once this week when I was at a roadblock with my other two stories. It was weird too because it came out present tense (and I don't do present tense that often). I tried to go back and change it, but it seems like it only WANTS to be present tense. So, okay. I am a slave to the muse.
> 
> Anyway, this may end up being a multi chapter spin off that goes with the "Not to Yield" storyline. It's sort of an expanded version of the events alluded to in the first two paragraphs of "Not to Yield Part 2," chapter 5, but I guess you can read it solo if you keep in mind these few things: 1. Caleb is Hera and Kanan's kid (I named him that before I knew about Jacen) 2. Kanan died saving Lothal in a very mysterious way that Ezra and Hera do not understand (hence, their angst over his death). Ezra deals with his pain in much the same way as Kanan...
> 
> Warning for extreme angsty goodness…(Angst is what fanfic is made up of, right?) You guys are awesome and thanks for letting me entertain you, once more. :)

Ezra sneaks onto the _Ghost_ , trying to be quiet. He's remarkably graceful for one so hungover, but he's able to keep from stumbling or causing a ruckus so early in the morning. The ship is cold, which is a step up from freezing-your-ass-off frigid, which is the rest of Hoth. He makes his way into the fresher, examining the face under the black knit cap in the mirror.

This time it's a black eye he comes home with. Last time it was a graze from a blaster bolt that he claims he got from some troopers that got too close. The lying is getting easier and easier, which troubles him a bit, but not enough to stop. Protecting his family is second nature. If they knew what he was struggling with...they would worry.

He showers and brushes his teeth to get rid of the horrible taste in his mouth. Tying his wet hair back in a nerf-tail, he eyes his face in the mirror. He's pale, which makes the black eye look even worse. It's like the cold of Hoth has frozen the life out of him.

Ezra hopes everyone is on duty, and he can sleep off some of the hangover he has before he has to face Hera and Sabine's questions, but it's not to be. As soon as he steps out from the fresher, Caleb attacks his legs, clinging tightly.

"Ezra! Safe home, Ezra!"

"Hey, kid." Ezra says weakly. He lifts the little boy into his arms and nestles him against his side. Somedays, he thinks the kid is the only thing keeping him sane.

Now that he's eye level with Caleb, the boy reaches out one small hand toward Ezra's face. He's whispering. "Oh no. Ouch. Big ouch?"

"It's fine. I just bumped into something." He smiles, but it feels wrong on his face. Caleb notices and a crease appears on his forehead. Ezra feels guilty for the hundredth time.

Hera is moving about in the common area. "Ezra, you're back? Can you bring Caleb in here for breakfast?"

Ezra sighs, "Yeah, of course."

Entering the common room, he meets Hera's eyes. "Ezra…" she says, disapprovingly as she sees the black eye.

"Big ouch…" Caleb mumbles, looking from Ezra to his mother worriedly.

"You okay?" Hera asks.

"Yeah," he says. "It's nothing. Job hazard."

She looks at his skinned knuckles, then back up at him with a raised eyebrow. She knows the job was to simply drop off supplies, but she doesn't bust his chops…yet.

He squirms a little under her gaze as she sets down a plate of waffles, cut into tiny pieces, along with pieces of jogan fruit for Caleb. "Sit, Ezra. I'll make you something."

"Not very hungry. Just some caf maybe?" Ezra gets Caleb situated in the booster seat in the booth and the boy begins picking up the tiny pieces of waffle and flying them into his mouth. It makes Ezra laugh in spite of himself, which feels good for about a nanosecond before the depression settles back in.

Hera watches the two of them as she brings over his caf. She stands beside him, her eyes on Caleb for a moment, then she places a hand on Ezra's head. His hair is too short to ruffle it like she used to. "Hey. Do I need to be worried?"

He glances up at her as her hand slips to his shoulder, and he lies. "No way. Just ran into a scuffle, no problems." The truth is, he doesn't know what happened. He remembers getting extremely drunk, then everything else is a blackout. Two things he's sure of: he didn't kill anyone and he didn't use his lightsaber during the fight. He's not sure how he knows, but he does.

She looks as if she doesn't want to believe him, but then she nods, sighs tiredly, and takes up her cup. "Okay, love. I'm on duty in half an hour. Rex offered to watch Cale. Could you take him there?"

"I'll be here most of the day." Ezra says. "I can watch him here."

Hera knows that Ezra and Caleb have a bond, but the Jedi's not looking that great right now. "You sure? You look tired."

He shook his head. "I'm fine. Watching Caleb's no problem."

"Ok. I'll comm Rex and let him know we have it covered."

"Yay! Ezra!" Apparently, Caleb is pleased as he flies a piece of Jogan into his mouth. He's a kid though, and his coordination is off, so he hits the side of his mouth instead and giggles. "Crash!" He snaps up the fruit like a hungry bird, laughing the whole time, and Ezra smiles a real smile, for the first time in a while.

"You be good." Hera kneels beside her son and he leans in, pressing his forehead against hers.

"Love you, Mama," he whispers.

"Love you too, baby Caleb." He giggles; at this point, he doesn't mind being called baby, but he will in about six months.

"Back soon?" Caleb asks her.

"Not too soon, but back before dark," she promises and he nods, turning back to his waffle.

Hera looks over and sees Ezra's troubled blue eyes. She looks as tired as he feels. "I love you too, baby Ezra." She smiles, a bit sadly. Ezra hasn't been anyone's baby for a long time, but she wants to enfold him in her arms and make everything better. Nothing will make anything any better again, though. Hera's smart enough to know that, so she doesn't even try—failing would hurt too much.

"Thanks, mom." He replies, as a joke, but it comes out more sincere than sarcastic, and his eyes skate away to his cup.

Hera's up and gone before either of them can say anything that will break the delicate crystal of their tenuous emotional states. If either of them started crying, they wouldn't be able to stop, and they both know it.

Hera's gone about a minute when Caleb says the thing that's on his mind.

"Are we brothers?" He asks, revealing again for the hundred-millionth time that he is always listening. He soaks up everything like a sponge—asking an endless supply of questions.

"Yeah." Ezra says, taking another sip of Hera's heavenly caf. Force bless her. "Hera and your dad adopted me."

"What's 'dopted?"

"When someone takes you in and makes you part of the family." Ezra replies.

"Did Mom and Dad 'dopt Zeb? And Bean too?"

Ezra can't get the stupid grin off his face at the reaction Kanan would have had to that question about Zeb. "Yeah. We're all one big happy family, kiddo."

Caleb thinks again another long moment. Gears are turning in that little head of his. "Not always happy."

Ezra almost spit his caf. There it was. Damn if the kid didn't have a way of cutting through all the banthashit with few words.

Kanan's blue-green eyes are looking at him out of the kid's face. Waiting for Ezra to make his broken family better.

"Maybe not, but we're trying. Trying really hard," Ezra says hoarsely, reaching out to brush the kid's brown hair out of his eyes. The strands are sticky. "Caleb, how did you get syrup in your hair?"

"I dunno," he shrugs. "Maybe 'cause I'm talented?" It was something Hera always said when she flew them out of danger, and it makes Ezra laugh softly again.

"You are that, Caleb Jacen Jarrus. Keep eating, then we'll get you cleaned up after."

Finally, when the kid has cleaned up, built a space station out of little plastic blocks, chased Chopper around the ship and played with his educational programs on his datapad, he is finally ready for a nap. He crawls into the Dejarik booth, dragging a blanket and Tooka, his stuffed Loth-cat with him. Ezra is trying his best to focus on writing a mission report, but he's been staring at the same line for the past hour.

"Sleepy." Caleb snuggles up against Ezra, his thumb in his mouth. His lekku are moving very slowly, so Ezra knows sleep is not far off. He rubs small circles on the boy's back and sees the ghost of his Master's features in the kid's face. He doesn't want to fail the boy any more than he wanted to fail Kanan, but he just doesn't see how to put the broken pieces of his life back together anymore.

"Sleep, buddy. I'll be here." He murmurs. It's the best he can do.

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! I wrote a second (and a third) part to this. I'm not sure if I'm entirely happy with it, but I've been sitting on this over two weeks and I don't know how else to improve upon it. OH! and it's in past tense because that's the only way this part would come out. Just call it an experiment, right? There's an "Orbits" update coming soon and I just made a mental breakthrough on the "Not to Yield part two" story, so some good things are in the works.
> 
> OH and if you're on Tumblr and interested in ordering it...a bunch of artists and writers (including yours truly) have put together a "Rebels" fanzine. Check my Tumblr under the name "springfieldblue" for details (or PM me). It has an ORIGINAL story (never been published anywhere else) by me that you might like (along with the work of some other VERY talented writers), and of course, the Rebels artwork is AMAZING. Oh, and it comes with cute vinyl stickers! You gotta love that, right?
> 
> Like always, thanks for reading and comments. You guys are great.

  


* * *

2.

"Ezra."

Sabine had followed him into his room after dinner; it was the first time she'd been able to get him alone all night.

"What?" He turned and faced her with a sigh. His eyes touched her, then skated away. She was looking at him with that expression again. "I told you, it's nothing. Seriously. Just a black eye; it doesn't even hurt." He began searching for his datapad.

"Yeah, like the blaster bolt you took in the side last month? Something's not right, Ezra—" She reached out to lay a hand against his cheek but he shook his head.

"Sabine, I'm fine. A little overworked, but that's all," he made his eyes lift to hers and hold the gaze defiantly.

"Ezra. You…I know you're not sleeping well." Zeb had told her that he'd been waking to find Ezra either gone or meditating at all hours of the night.

It had been like this since they lost Kanan. Usually, Zeb kept his eye on Hera and Sabine kept her eye on Ezra, and they all looked after Caleb. At first it had been to help Hera out, but then later, it was because they loved the small boy desperately. The hole that Kanan had left in their lives had begun to be mended by the sweet little one, but apparently some holes were too large to mend.

Ezra hadn't even begun to move past the loss. The way he'd explained it, she understood that he'd lost more than just the physical presence of his Master. They had had a mental connection, Ezra had told her. It was a bond that took up space in his mind, and that bond had been cruelly torn away. He'd tried to explain the sense of emptiness that never went away, but he'd given up, saying it was impossible.

Ezra found his datapad under the bunk. "Look, I've got to finish this report and turn it in. Watching Caleb today, I didn't get it done." He yanked his black hat over his ears and reached for his jacket.

"Ezra, no." She put a hand on his chest and stopped him in his tracks. "Talk to me, okay?"

He remained still, his eyes downcast. Then he sighed and spoke, his jaw tight. "What do you want me to say, huh?"

"Anything," she whispered. "Just stop shutting me out."

His features were pained. "I'll rest more, okay? I'll cut down on the back to backs." Ezra was one of the better pilots and he often volunteered for back to back missions when they didn't have enough people to fly. Sabine knew how they depended on Ezra, just like they depended on Hera, and how he didn't want to let anyone down. But it was starting to take a toll on him. Ezra took too many solo missions. He was too quiet, too withdrawn, too karking glib when he was injured. When he'd been hit by the blaster shot, he'd literally come back from the mission with engine tape slapped on the injury and didn't go to the medbay until Sabine threatened to shoot him herself and drag him there. The medics still talked about it. He came closer and put a hand on each shoulder. "That okay?"

"It's a start," she said, unconvinced.

He wrapped her in his arms and pressed his face against her short blue-green water-colored hair. "I'm gonna find a quiet briefing room and finish my mission report, then I'll be back," he kissed the side of the head, then stepped toward the door. As it swished open, the sound of Kallus, Hera and Zeb talking spilled out. Kallus was over to play Dejarik with Zeb, and they'd finally gotten Caleb to bed.

"Okay…" she said, frowning.

He didn't look back.

* * *

An hour later, Ezra had finished his report in the briefing room, which was mostly empty at this hour. Something about being among the other officers and soldiers quieted his mind enough that he was able to focus as they moved through from place to place. The heat had gone out in this section of the base again, causing several of them to curse as they met friends in the hallway. "It's colder than a tauntaun's balls!" was heard a few times, and it never failed to wring a rueful laugh from the hard-working soldiers.

Echo Base was roughly built into the side of a glacier. The icy passages had all been joined by rough- hewn hallways, but the quick construction of the base meant that there weren't many backups yet for important systems. If there was a problem, heat or power could cut out at any time. It was the main reason that they'd never sought barracks here. The _Ghost_ could stay warmer and was a better environment for Caleb anyway.

Ezra wrapped up his report and sat back in the chair. He could feel the intent, calm, motivated Force signatures around him, and they were soothing…a sort of background static like an open comm that made him sleepy. He didn't even know he had closed his eyes until he felt a touch on his shoulder.

He startled immediately and had his saber in his hand before the startled recruit could let out so much as a squawk.

"I…I'm sorry, sir…" He finally stammered as Ezra shook his head and jammed his lightsaber back on his belt.

"Kriff!" Ezra scrubbed his face with his hands. "I fell asleep…it's my fault."

"No. I startled you." The recruit gave Ezra a second to compose himself. "Um…You're Lieutenant Commander Bridger? Of the Spectres, aren't you?"

Ezra nodded. "Yeah. And you are?"

"Recruit Jaden, sir. I just wanted to say how much I appreciate what you've done for our sector. I'm from Garel."

"Yeah?" He'd never been good with this-it always left him feeling like a fraud, and unconsciously, he moved himself toward the door.

"I heard your broadcast before the battle of Lothal, and I just wanted to say…it motivated me and a few of my friends to join the fight." The recruit seemed to realize he was making Ezra uncomfortable, so he wrapped it up. "Anyway, thank you. You've motivated a lot of us. I just wanted to tell you."

"Thanks..." Ezra couldn't meet the soldier's eyes, not knowing what to say. While Jaden spoke, Ezra felt the familiar thob of anxiety returning. "I'm sorry—I gotta…go."

He ducked past the admiring recruit, fleeing the room. It was only when he was on his way back to the _Ghost_ that he finally felt he could breathe again.

* * *

Sabine woke from a light sleep to hear the sound of footsteps walking across the common area. She'd left her door open for when Ezra would return, and laid down on her bed, still dressed in a set of blacks. Since coming to Hoth, she'd packed away her tanks and shorts in favor of warmer clothing.

She sat up rubbing her eyes, wondering if she'd done the right thing by letting him go and giving him space.

He appeared in her doorway, a darker shadow against the silvery lights of the _Ghost's_ night cycle. Slowly, he came in and palmed the door closed behind him. He sat gently on her bunk, staring down at the floor.

She shook her head. "You don't have to explain. Just stay with me."

She reached out and wrapped her arms around him. He responded, and she felt him relaxing under her touch. After long moments, she moved to help him shed his jacket. Pulling off his hat, she smoothed his short hair gently with her fingers. It was too severe a look for him, and she didn't like it, but he'd kept it that way since Kanan had died. His eyes were dark blue, even in the dark. She leaned in and kissed him gently, and he leaned into her. "Love you, Sabine." He murmured, nuzzling her hair.

"Same here."

He reached down, pulled off his boots, shed his belt with his blaster and saber, and then crawled into the bed with her. He took both of her hands in his, and she could feel his cold fingers against her own.

"You need to sleep, _Cyare_. I'll keep the watch," she whispered, throwing the blanket over him. "Let me be here for you."

He nodded and took one of her hands in both of his, holding it against his heart. They stayed like that, for a long time, until she felt he was asleep. When he did speak, it startled her.

"I think…I'm losing my way," he murmured, his forehead creased with worry.

"We'll find it together, Ezra," she moved closer to him so that she could share her warmth with him. "I promise."

He nodded slowly, without opening his eyes. Being close to her was soothing, and he found himself relaxing into a deep dreamless sleep for the first time in days.

 


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hi, everyone. Hope you're still enjoying the spin-off nature of this little piece. This chapter sort of elaborates on a comment in Not to Yield about Caleb shattering some of the breakables on the Ghost before he's able to gain some self-control over himself. I think having a toddler with the ability to use the Force would be...incredibly challenging. I don't even know how regular parents live through having a regular toddler (LOL).
> 
> Let me know if you liked it! :) I've replied to some of the comments lately, but I've been kinda busy so it's been either...respond to comments or work on a story, so I chose the latter. :) You guys keep me motivated with the kind words.

3.

The next few days were calm.  True to his word, Ezra pulled fewer shifts for a while.  He stayed close to Sabine, and she dared to hope that he was improving.  Then Hera lead a supply run.  They’d been hit badly and many of their ships were thought lost, and Hera hadn’t returned home yet.  She’d been in a fighter; a few of her squadron had arrived back in barely functioning ships several hours earlier, but not Hera.  Unable to sit still, Ezra had been up at the flight deck with Zeb for over four hours, leaving Sabine and Alexsandr to watch Caleb. 

“Here’s dinner, little cub.”  Sabine said, setting down a bowl in front of the boy.  It was one of their ration packs, fodu with green fire sauce.  The ration pack version was less spicy, but Sabine was still surprised by the boy’s taste in food.  Kanan had liked spicy food, and apparently his son was no different.  Thank the Force the kid didn’t mind the ration packs.  They had run out of fresh food two weeks ago and the ration packs were running low as well, hence the need for Hera’s run.

“Mama home soon?” Caleb asked, looking up at her with hopeful blue-green eyes.

Sabine didn’t want to lie, but she couldn’t tell the boy the entire truth.  So, she slowly slid into the booth across from him and took one small hand in hers.  “Caleb.  She’s just a bit late, that’s all, but I know she wants you to eat your dinner and not worry.”

Caleb took up his fork and twirled it through the noodles and green sauce.  “I want Mama,”  he whispered miserably.

Sabine reached out to smooth his hair.  “I’m sorry, Spectre Seven.  I hope she’s home soon too.  How about you finish dinner and we’ll play a game.  Or even better, I’ll tell you a story?”

He nodded slowly.  “Oh-kay,” he took a bite, which Sabine counted as progress, although his lekku were stiff as if he were frustrated.  Ezra said that the boy could sense their emotions, and Sabine figured that was what was going on.  He probably had picked up on their worry and Ezra’s anxiety.  

Earlier in the day, Caleb had laid down for a nap, and Sabine suggested they do the same.  Neither of them had slept very well the night before.  Sabine had been startled out of her light doze when Ezra had suddenly sat up in the dark cabin, looking around him as if unfamiliar with Sabine’s quarters. 

“Something’s wrong.”  He’d said quietly, his eyes far away. 

“What is it?”  She’d asked, sitting up and placing a hand between his shoulder blades to steady him. 

“Hera.  Something’s not right.”  Ezra had muttered, and then he was up, pacing.  Finally, he’d turned to her and told her he was going to the blast doors to wait.  She hadn’t wanted him to leave, but Zeb had offered to go with him.  She reminded herself to thank Zeb later, as she looked down at Caleb.

A curl of unruly brown hair had fallen forward over one eye as he frowned and took one miserable bite.  “Want my Mama.”

She leaned down and kissed him on the top of the head.  “I know, kiddo.  She’ll be back soon.  Let me go check with Uncle Alexsandr and see if he knows anything.  I’ll be right back.”   She made her way back to Alexsandr in the cockpit. The former agent was scrubbing his face with his hand.  “Any news?” she asked.

Alexsandr shook his head.  “No.”  He’d been up for about 36 hours, assisting with monitoring the ops, and it showed on his features.

She nodded sadly.  “Okay.  Up for storytime after dinner?  Spectre seven needs a distraction.”

“Of course,” Alexsandr said, laying a hand on her arm.  “She’s gonna be okay, Sabine.  It’s Hera, after all.”

“Yeah.”  She nodded.

* * *

Ezra stood by the blast door, watching the snow fall.  The landscape was growing dark, and soon, they’d close the doors to protect against the bitter night on Hoth. 

Zeb’s ears twitched as he leaned against the doorway.  He’d been watching the sky, but now he was watching Ezra.  The Jedi was shivering, despite being bundled up in a white parka, his head covered with a black knit cap and the hood of his jacket.  His face was pale under the dark. 

“Ezra.  You’re getting too cold out here.  Go get some caf.”  Zeb took a hard look at the Jedi.

“I’m good.  Five more minutes.”  He said softly, rubbing at his nose with one gloved hand.

“Five more minutes and you’ll have hypothermia and frostbite.”  Zeb scoffed.  “She’s been in tighter places than this, Ez,” the Lasat reminded him as they searched the night with their eyes.  His fur and jacket were keeping him warm, but his own nose was feeling a little cold and numb as well.

The snow swirled with the wind currents, and they both frowned.  The storm had been brewing all day, and it was proving to be one of the larger ones that would only get worse as time went on.

“Incoming!  It’s Phoenix leader!  Phoenix leader!”  A sudden flurry of activity, and Ezra suddenly sensed her.  Hera’s Force signature was throbbing with pain and a desperate hope that she could make it, but the storm had taken her off-guard.  She thought about ditching in the snow nearby, and he could feel the cry she let out when she realized she wasn’t going to be able to do it because the steering system was not working right.  That was all there was time for before Ezra saw her streaking toward them through the early evening sky, trailing smoke and fire.

Ezra moved to the middle of the door’s opening and waited.  As Hera came in hot, Ezra was standing directly in her way, eyes closed, and hands extended.  It seemed like everyone on the base paused and held their breath.

“Bridger can’t…she’s gonna crash into him!”

Zeb caught the shoulder of the young recruit, a kid named Jacen? No, Jaden…that was his name.  Jaden was on his way to run out there in the path of Hera’s ship.

“He’s gonna be okay,” Zeb assured him.

“But…”

Hera’s ship smashed into the snow and began an uncontrolled skid toward the hangar.  She was headed right for Ezra, and would have taken out two or three fighters as well as bystanders, but as everyone watched, her ship slowed up and skidded to a stop in front of the Jedi, just barely bumping his leg. 

And then Zeb was already crawling up the side of the flaming X-wing, popping the canopy and grimacing at the smoke and heat that rolled out.  He yanked at the straps that held Hera in the seat, but they held fast.  He began to use his claws to sever the straps, but she helped him by finding the latch with searching fingers.  Zeb was able to haul her out, just as flames began to break out inside the cockpit.

“Ezra!”  Zeb handed Hera down to him.

The Jedi wrapped an arm around her to support her as she slid down the skin of her X-wing. “You okay?”  He asked gently as she hacked and gasped for breath.

“Kriff, Ezra.  That was close,” Hera rasped between coughs.

“I had you all the way down,” Ezra replied, checking for injuries.  When he looked up, Hera hugged him with one arm.  He returned it.  Neither one of them had to say anything else. 

When he let her go, she coughed again, then groaned. “My ribs hurt.  It was a pretty bumpy ride.  Can you get…Chop?  He…” here she began coughing again, “He kept us flying the whole time.”

“Yeah…Take her, Zeb.”  The Lasat slipped a hand around her shoulder and let her lean against him as Ezra turned.  

He used the Force to lift Chopper and set him down on the floor of the complex.  The droid rolled over, manipulators in the air, beeping and warbling about how he’d saved the day once more.  Ezra placed his fingers affectionately on the astromech’s dome, then noticed how Hera was rubbing her shoulder, right where the pilot’s harness would have strapped her in.

Once they were safely away, the fire team pushed past them to put out the flaming ship. 

“Let’s get her to the medbay,” Ezra said, and Zeb nodded.  They began to half-carry her in that direction as she protested. 

“No, I’ll be fine--I’ll just slap some engine tape on it.”  It had become a running joke between them all since Ezra’s infamous visit to the medics.

“Nope.  Someone’s gonna check you over,” Zeb said.  “Might not hurt to give you a little oxygen too.”

“Is Caleb worried?  You didn’t tell him…did you? I need to…”  She burst into another fit of coughing as she tried to turn and head back to the _Ghost_.

“He’s fine and we didn’t tell him. Chopper, comm Sabine and let her know everything’s okay.”  Ezra said as they headed down the hall to the medbay.

* * *

Caleb was sitting on the floor, building something with his blocks as Sabine read him a story.  He looked around suddenly and stood, knocking down his creation as he turned toward the doorway that led out to the cargo bay.

“What is it, sweetheart?” Sabine asked, watching as Cale looked expectantly at the door. 

“Mama,”  Caleb said.

“She’s coming home soon.”  Sabine said.

“No.  Home now.  Mama home now.”  Caleb shook his head, frowning.   He started for the door immediately, but Alexsandr was too quick for him. 

“Sorry buddy.  Where do you think you’re going?”  Alexsandr caught him under the arms and held on.

“Nooo…Mama home now!”  Caleb’s lekku were stiff with frustration as he struggled to get away.  Kallus set him gently on the floor between them, but kept a restraining hand on his shoulder.  He and Sabine exchanged looks.  Cale was usually so well behaved; it was almost like he wasn’t even a kid, sometimes, but just a pint-sized version of Kanan with a Jedi’s usual serenity.

“I know you want her to come home…” Sabine began, “But we need you to stay here.”  She knelt beside him, reaching out to him.  “You gotta understand, Cale…”

“No!”  Caleb shook his head, and looked at the door, then back at Sabine.  Frustrated because he couldn’t communicate what he wanted, he clenched his fists.

And everything on the Ghost trembled.  Dishes rattled in the cupboards and there was a rumble and upset of everything on the counter.  They could hear the sounds of things breaking from the galley to the cockpit.  Caleb’s blocks flew up in the air, and one of them struck him on the cheek before they all fell to the ground.

Sabine reached out for Caleb, whose bottom lip was trembling as his eyes filled with frightened tears. He wasn’t bleeding, but there was an obvious red mark under his eye.  She captured him in her arms and hugged him tightly as he let out a miserable cry.  “It’s okay,” she soothed.  “It’s okay now.” 

Sabine and Alexsandr locked eyes over the child’s head.  While holding Caleb, they got a comm from Chopper.  She hit it, still holding Caleb against her while he cried.  Chopper told them that Ezra and Zeb were taking Hera to the medbay.  She was walking, and Chopper said there was an 86% chance that she would be just fine. 

“Thank the Force.”  Sabine breathed.  “Chopper?  Don’t bother them yet, but once she’s settled, can you get Ezra to come back to the Ghost?  I think we…need him here.”

Chopper said he would.

* * *

They entered the medbay.  There were injured pilots in almost every bed, which almost made Hera turn back as soon as they entered. 

“There are people here who need…”  here she had a coughing fit that doubled her over, “medical attention more than me.” 

“Hera.” Zeb said, a bit like Kanan would have, while guiding her into the medbay with a firm grip.

Her mouth tightened into a firm line, but she didn’t fight him anymore.

As they entered, several pilots who were awake gave out a little shout.  “General Syndulla!” As she was waiting for a doctor, she came around to them, taking their hands and talking to each of them.  Ezra watched her, feeling the Force signatures of the pilots brighten when she spoke to them.  He could sense how she inspired the soldiers that had been under her command and how much it meant to them that she’d returned alive.

“General…”  The medic came over and took her arm and moved her to an examination table.   Ezra and Zeb waited outside the curtained area, taking two seats nearby.

“That was a bit close.”  Zeb murmured.

“Yeah.”  Ezra looked around and could feel the pain and suffering of the men and women around them.  For a moment, it overwhelmed him, until he closed his eyes, took a few deep breaths and worked to calm himself and release the anxiety into the Force.  It helped marginally.

Chopper rolled over to him and played part of Sabine’s message: “Can you get Ezra to come back to the _Ghost_?  I think we…need him here.”

“Go.”  Zeb said.  “I got it here.”

Ezra nodded.  “Thanks, Zeb.”

* * *

When he got outside, Ezra commed Sabine immediately.

“Sabine? He asked, keeping his voice calm.  “What’s wrong?”  He could hear the sound of Caleb crying.

“He’s got more of his father’s abilities than we first thought, if you know what I mean.”  She obviously didn’t want to elaborate in front of Caleb.  “A little reassurance from you, right now, would probably go a long way to helping him calm down.  You know you have a way with him, _cyare_.”

Ezra was already moving toward the hangar.  “I’m on my way.” 

When Ezra entered the cargo bay, he saw things were a mess.  A stack of supply crates had fallen over, their contents spilling out all over the deck plating.  He climbed the ladder from the cargo bay two rungs at a time, and found Sabine and Alexsandr sitting in the middle of the chaos with Caleb.  Sabine still had the toddler held in her arms and tears streaked down Caleb’s face as he sucked on his thumb, eyes squeezed shut.  The child seemed inconsolable. 

There were broken dishes on the floor in the kitchen.  All the doors on the cabinets were open.   Caleb’s set of blocks, which he usually cared for so carefully, were scattered from one end of the common room to the other.  A glass of milk, which had been left on the table was overturned, and one of the chairs was upside down. 

He came over and knelt beside Sabine.  “He did…all of that?”  Ezra asked, even though he knew the answer.

Sabine nodded.  When Ezra held out his arms, she transferred the child to them. 

“Shh.  It’s okay, Caleb.”  Ezra murmured as the kid clung to him with both hands.   The Jedi sent calming waves through the Force, and Caleb began to respond.  Slowly his hitching sobs became sniffles and then the boy just laid against Ezra’s shoulder, exhausted. Caleb had never shown this much ability with the Force before.  Ezra had the thought that he probably could sense their emotions, and he knew the bright way that he shone with the Force, but he hadn’t known how or if the ability would manifest itself.  Apparently, this was it.

As he sensed the boy’s tangled emotions, he realized that the sudden flow of the Force must have scared him.  “You okay, Cale?”  he asked as the little boy picked his head up and looked up into his eyes. 

Kanan’s son nodded slowly.

“Do you know what happened?” Ezra asked as he gently brushed a chunk of the kid’s hair out of his eyes.

Caleb shook his head.  “I was scared.”  He looked over at Sabine, who patted him soothingly.  “Mama came home.  She okay?”

Ezra slowly put it together, through the intuitive connection they had.  “You wanted to see Hera.  You knew she was back, right?”

Caleb nodded, his big eyes taking them all in.  “Mama got hurt.”

“I didn’t realize.”  Sabine said.  “Little cub, I didn’t know that she was home.  I’m sorry.”  She glanced up at Ezra.  “I think we made it worse.  We tried to keep him here and all he was worried about was his mama.”

“I did bad.” Caleb said, looking around at the mess with wide eyes.  Tears trembled and spilled over.

Ezra shook his head and took a deep breath.  “No, Caleb.  No one’s mad at you.  We all love you.  Me, Sabine, and Uncle Alexsandr, okay?”  He brushed the child’s tears away and waited until he got a nod.  “Good.  You didn’t do anything bad.  I saw your mama, and she’s fine.  She had a big bump in her ship, but I made sure she was okay before I came back here.” 

“Mama’s okay?”

“Yep.  She’ll be home in a few hours, I’m sure.”  Caleb hugged Ezra, who hugged him back.  After a moment, Caleb tucked his head up under Ezra’s chin, and Ezra could feel the child beginning to relax. 

“You, sir, have a talent.”  Alexsandr said softly.

Ezra smiled.  “Explaining about all this will be the tougher job.”  They sat quietly until they could see the slow sleepy movements of the child’s lekku, and knew he was exhausted.  “Gonna put you to bed, kit,” he whispered, standing up, while still holding Caleb close.

“Noooo….”  Caleb stirred.

“I’ll wake you up when your mama comes in.”  Ezra said, slowly walking towards Kanan’s old room.

“Promise?”  Sabine and Alexander heard the child ask.

“I promise, Spectre Seven.   Team business, promise.”

“M’kay.”  The door swished open and shut as they went in.

“Wow.”  Sabine said, scrubbing her face with her hands.  “That was…something.”   She and Alexsandr stood up.  “I don’t know how Hera’s gonna take it that he…might be like Kanan.”

“Oh.”  Kallus nodded.  He turned his head and looked toward Kanan’s room.  “You can tell they have this…this…”

“…bond?” Sabine finished for him.  “Yeah.  Somedays I think being strong for Caleb is the only thing that keeps him going.”

Alexsandr placed a hand on her shoulder in silent sympathy. 

“Look—go.  I know you have a million things to do.  I’ll clean up here.”  Sabine said, looking around and trying to decide what to clean up first.

Kallus nodded, then caught her up in a hug that took both of them by surprise.  “If you need anything…anything at all, just comm me.”

“Yeah.”  She nodded as he let her go.  “Thank you Alexsandr.”

He nodded as he headed toward the door leading to the cargo bay.  “Of course, Sabine.”

* * *

 

 


	4. Chapter 4

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: You should read this before you go on. I took a lot of risks with this chapter, which caused me to hesitate to post for over two weeks. I originally began writing this spinoff story from "Not to Yield" to see what happened to Ezra while he was on Hoth. I wrote a lot of happy ending stories before this series, and I felt like I wanted to see what I could do if things became the worst they could be for the Ghost crew after Kanan's death.
> 
> Since this is an AU, their reactions are out of character for the series, but not out of character for what they have gone through and are going through (which I think I have justified in the story well). I originally began the "Not to Yield" series to explore the ravages that war causes on soldiers, and this runs in that same vein. Like "Orbits," I wanted to work on making my writing more gritty, and that continues here as well.
> 
> On the bright side...we know that everything goes well later for our heroes. But do not forget that Ezra and Hera are both really struggling here. Fear...fear of losing the ones you love and fear of disappointing those that depend on you causes them both to do things they should NEVER do. I hope you stay with me for this chapter, where the absolute worst things happen, because it does get better. I'd love to hear what you thought!
> 
> Warning: Substance abuse occurs in this chapter, as well as HUGE amounts of angst. If that bothers you, this story might be too much for you.

  


* * *

4.

"Careful." Zeb warned as he helped Hera up the ramp. It was after 0100 when Hera was released from the medbay and Zeb helped her back to the Ghost. Ezra was on the catwalk above, waiting for them.

"I'm going to lift you up, so you don't have to climb the ladder, okay?" Ezra said. Zeb had called and told them that Hera's foot had been burned by the extreme heat in the cockpit that had been rising up from below. She would recover, but walking was going to be a little difficult for a while.

"That's not necessary…" she began.

"Hera." Zeb said, laying a hand on her shoulder. "Let us help you."

"Okay," she sighed and nodded. Ezra gestured with his hands and she felt a gentle touch lift her upwards. She landed next to him on the balcony, and he put an arm around her for support as Zeb climbed up.

"You okay?" Ezra asked.

"Yeah," she said with a cough. "Thank you, Ezra."

"Let's get you to bed."

Together, Zeb and Ezra moved through the Ghost with Hera, taking her toward her cabin. Sabine had readied things for them, and she followed them as they set the Twi'lek on her bunk. Hera looked down sadly at her feet. Her burned foot was wrapped in bandages, but the other was still in the charred remnants of a boot. "Those were good boots," she said mournfully. "How's Caleb?" Sabine helped her strip off her one remaining boot as she asked.

Sabine and Zeb both glanced to Ezra.

Hera's eyes went wide. "What is it?"

"First off, he's fine." Ezra said. "But he…knew when you came in hot for that landing and tried to leave the Ghost to find you. Sabine and Kallus…"

"We didn't know," Sabine interrupted. "We kept him here and…"

"He had a tantrum with the Force," Ezra finished.

Hera's eyes grew wider. Her pupils were so large her irises looked black. "He did what?"

"Hera. He can use the Force, like we've always thought. He strong, like Kanan. He didn't mean to, though-it scared him to death. He broke half the plates in the kitchen and scattered the stuff in the cargo hold..." Ezra said gently. "He…was very frightened, but we calmed him down."

Her eyes widened and she stood up immediately, limping toward the door.

"Hera-where are you going?" Zeb reached for her.

"To find my kid."

"Wait." Ezra put a hand on her shoulder. "We need to talk about this. He's going to need training…"

Hera turned on him, her eyes full of flame. "What kind of training would that be?"

Ezra's eyes widened. "He'll need help to control his abilities. Hera…I can teach him…"

She stared at him like he was speaking another language. "You're **NOT** training him to be a Jedi. The Force can't have my kid!" She looked away, bitterly. "Not after it took Kanan…"

Zeb tried to step in. "We can have this conversation later."

Ezra leaned forward. "No…I'm not trying to-Hera wait. He's got the same gift as Kanan…he has to learn to control it!" Ezra said, pushing past Zeb.

"No! It will be a warm day on Hoth when I let that happen!" She turned on him, her voice rising. "The Force let Kanan die! My child-"

"Stop." Zeb said. "The kid will hear—"

Ezra paid no attention. "Hera, you know what could happen. The dark side is always there—"

"How can you even suggest this?" she asked, horrified, and stepping back. "After everything that's happened? Kanan was like a father to you, and…the Force took him away from both of us!"

Ezra felt his heart twist in his chest, shaking his head. "Hera….You can't keep Caleb from the Force…it's a part of him…like…like breathing or his lekku…"

She went to slap him, but preternaturally alert, Ezra's reflexes were so fast that he caught her hand before it made contact. Everyone froze in stunned silence; then Zeb pulled her back further before she could try it again. "Never!" Hera growled. "My child will never use the Force, Ezra! I'd rather die first!"

Some part of Ezra shrank back in horror when he realized she was going to hit him, but it **was** his fault Kanan was gone, after all. If they'd been with the Rebel fleet and not on Lothal…Kanan would be here to see his child grow up.

Was this what they'd become in his absence? His face twisted with grief as Hera's pain washed over him in a cold dark wave. He felt sick to his stomach. Had he eaten anything, he would have thrown it up, but as it was, he'd had nothing but a few cups of cold caf.

"I'm sorry for what happened to Kanan, Hera. I would gladly take his place in a…in a heartbeat, but you can't stop Caleb from becoming who he is," he spoke, his voice unsteady with inconsolable sadness. His jaw tightened and he looked away. Tears began to stream down Hera's face as she put a hand over her mouth, obviously realizing what she'd almost done.

After a moment, Ezra turned and left.

"No, Ezra…wait," Hera whispered.

When he didn't turn back, she sat back heavily on the bed, her face in her hands. Zeb sat beside her and wrapped his arm around her, trying to comfort her. They all were paralyzed with shock.

"Kriff," Sabine murmured, her eyes catching Zeb's.

"I got this. Go after him." Zeb said to her, pulling a now-crying Hera against his shoulder.

"Sabine. I'm…I'm sorry." Hera murmured.

"I know, but I'm not the one you should apologize to," Sabine said grimly as she left the room.

Hera gathered herself together after a moment, then stood up and followed at a painful limp, with Zeb.

But Sabine was already standing in the middle of the common area. "He left," she said, turning around and meeting their eyes. "He's gone."

* * *

**Just leave. They'll all be a lot better without you.** The voice of the dark side in his mind spoke in an even, reasonable tone, as if it knew what was best for him. **Hera hates you…what you are. You saw her eyes. She thinks you shouldn't be around the child…she knows you're a danger to him.** Just because it was the dark side, didn't make the words any less true.

"Shut up." He muttered, jamming his flight helmet on his head and starting the pre-flight checklist.

"What was that, Bridger?"

His comm had communicated his words to flight control. _Karking hells_ , he thought. He shook his head. "Nothing. All good here. Let me know when I'm clear for takeoff."

He'd left the Ghost and gone to command to ask for the first mission they had. Putting all his focus on a job would keep him on the right side of sane. He was being sent to purchase a few hyperspace motivators that could be modified for usage on the X-wings. A warehouse on Ylix sold them wholesale, and he would be posing as an intermediary for a small aerospace company. This was a job that shouldn't call a lot of attention to him, if done right. And after the job, he planned to get as shitfaced as the local bar would allow him and forget this karking bastard of a day.

The okay from flight control came and he took off. The small civilian space craft would get him in and out with no problems, and he was anxious to burn sky.

He took the situation with Hera and pushed it far away, ready to concentrate on the task at hand. But before he hit hyperspace, his comm beeped softly. Wincing a little, he answered.

"Sabine." He grimaced, squeezing his eyes shut.

"Ezra. Don't go alone-"

Obviously someone had told her he was leaving on a mission.

"I'm already up about to jump, Sabine. This mission'll only take a day or two. It'll give things time to calm down." He kneaded his forehead with one hand; he could feel the beginnings of a headache.

"Ezra, she didn't mean-"

"No, she meant it." He spoke through clenched teeth. "It's fine. It'll take 36 hours tops. Then I'll be back."

She let out a deep breath, not wanting to say goodbye on bad terms. "Take care of yourself out there. I love you."

He let out a breath he didn't know he'd been holding. His eyes stung with tears he didn't let fall. "Love you too, babe."

He clicked off before she could say anything else, then made the jump to hyperspace.

* * *

Caleb opened his eyes when he felt a gentle touch on his forehead. "M..Mama?"

"I'm here, sweetheart."

The little boy sat up and looked around. "Where's Ezra?"

She bit her bottom lip. "He…he went on a mission."

"Ezra said you'd be back." She could see the dark mark under his eye, even in the silvery night cycle lights. Her child had gotten more than his good looks from his father, she thought as she smoothed his hair.

Caleb nodded. "Mama? I was scared and I…I did something bad."

So did I, she thought. Instead, she shook her head and tucked him under her chin so he wouldn't see her give into her tears. "No, baby. You didn't do anything bad. Ezra told me all about it and I'm not mad."

"Not mad, Mama?" He seemed almost skeptical.

"Nope." He snuggled closer and they remained that way a long time. Hera could feel him starting to wind down. Eventually, Hera wiped her eyes and then leaned back. "How about I sleep in here tonight?"

He nodded. "Mama…Your foot's hurt?" She followed his gaze and realized he saw the bacta soaked bandages wrapped around the burns on her foot.

"Just a little, love. It's not bad."

He nodded, believing her.

She adjusted the covers to lie over the both of them as she pulled him in close. His lekku curled slowly, and his breathing began to slow as she ran a hand through his unruly brown locks. He was so much like his father that it made her heart ache. As much as she had loved Kanan, however, she couldn't allow Caleb to follow in his footsteps. Losing her kid was her deepest fear. Could Ezra understand…and maybe forgive her? The thought of Caleb becoming a Jedi was something she just couldn't consider—it made her feel a sense of anxiety she couldn't handle. She'd felt crazy—out of control when Ezra mentioned it.

The door swished open and she saw Zeb there. "I'll be in here tonight, Zeb."

Zeb nodded. "If you need me, you know where I'll be." He came close and ruffled Caleb's hair. "Sleep well, kit."

There was a sleepy murmur that neither of them could make out. Zeb touched Hera's hand, covering it with his paw. "It's gonna be okay," he promised her.

"Zeb." Hera's eyes were large and dark in the semi-twilight of the night cycle. The tone of her voice said that she didn't believe his words. "What I said…what I almost…did…he might not forgive me."

He shook his head; she could see the movement in the dark. "He will. We're family. Things will work themselves out."

She closed her eyes against tears. "I hope you're right, Zeb. I hope so."

"I am." She could feel his hand on her shoulder. He gave it a squeeze and then he headed to the door and was gone.

* * *

The purchase of equipment had gone well, and afterwards, he'd found the first cheap bar he could fall into. He'd started pounding shots in the early afternoon, before the crowd picked up.

When it started to get late, he'd stood up for a walk to the fresher when he saw a human male beating his Twi'lek girlfriend. The man had been ordering her to "get her ass back out on the street and make some money." She'd refused, and Ezra had grabbed the man's hand, and stopped him before he could punch her.

Using the Force to heighten his senses and offset the alcohol, Ezra avoided the man's roundhouse punch. Ezra punched him in the jaw, then threw him back against the nearby column with the Force. Then he'd mind tricked him into leaving. Not just the bar, or the city, but the planet. He'd made the sleemo give up most of his creds too before the Jedi sent him packing.

The pretty lavender Twi'lek had been grateful; she'd taken most of the money and run, leaving Ezra alone by the hi-top table where a few spare credits still lay. He had swept them into one hand, not realizing at first that there was something else there too. As he peered into his palm, he saw a small spray hypo.

From his days living on the street he was familiar with typical street drugs: deathsticks, glitterstim, tempest, ryll, but lying in his hand was glitteryll…an expensive, high quality glitteryll, it appeared, from the look of the sterile disposable hypospray it came in. There was a clear window in the injector and he saw the silvery sparkles that characterized the drug. If the drug was pure, the user would have 24 to 36 hours of nothingness and wake up to an emotional numbness that might last 3 to 4 days. If it was not, worse things than death could happen. He slipped it into his pocket with the credits, then promptly forgot about it as he returned to the bar and continued beating the rancor. He threw back two more Reactor Cores, then switched to Corellian whiskey-No bartender in their right mind served more than three Reactor Cores anywhere in the Rim; more than that was asking for trouble.

The fight with Hera had still throbbed in his chest like an infected wound, despite the alcohol. The look on her face was what had hurt the most. It was a look that said he was the enemy. That she hated him for what he was—a Force user. As the alcohol flooded his bloodstream, he wondered if she was reminded of the loss of Kanan every time she looked at him, and his mouth was suddenly dry. Would she even trust him with Caleb anymore? The thought that she might not was painful. The kid…he was one of the only good things in Ezra's life right now, and the thought of him being taken away was unbearable.

Two more whiskeys and still the heaviness in his chest was no better. The bartender was about to cut him off—Ezra knew the look. He'd probably guzzled enough jet juice for two people by now, so he threw a few credits on the counter, and slid off the stool, but he had to grab it just as quickly to keep from hitting the floor. His sense of balance was karked up, but this wasn't his first time finding his way back to the ship drunk, so he let his mind go on autopilot and carry him along.

Time turned strange and thick, alternately running slow like syrup, then fast like water. The city near the spaceport was bright with neon and lively. To him, however, it was a smear of shadows.

The dark street.

Forms in the gloom.

The dim spaceport.

It was as if he were watching a holo from someone else's point of view.

He opened his eyes on a close-up view of the ship's deck. He'd obviously come in and passed out on the floor near the bunks. The Jedi groaned and dragged himself up to a sitting position, and then promptly passed out again, back against the bunk.

He woke up calling for Kanan, eyes wild in the almost-dark. It was a long time before he could remember where he was. He wiped his face with one hand, not surprised to find he'd been crying in his sleep. He wondered if grief stalked Hera the same way it stalked him, slamming him at the worst times. Force, he missed Kanan-it was an ache that never went away.

Alone, his facade of having his shit together could be dropped and he could allow himself the luxury of tears. The alcohol had unlocked the pain in his chest, the way it always did, and he finally gave into it. He pulled his knees up to his chest and wrapped his arms around them and let go, burying his face against his knees as sobs shook him. The emptiness in his mind where his bond with Kanan used to be yawned open, an endless void that threatened to tear him into bits.

_Take care of Hera...Sabine and Zeb too. I'm counting on you._

Before he'd died, Kanan had trusted him with Hera, and Ezra had apparently done nothing except cause her pain and remind her of why Caleb didn't have a father on a daily basis.

And it was all his fault. There was no denying it. Had he not insisted they free Lothal...had he not let Kanan follow the Loth-wolves...had he been everything a Jedi was supposed to be, he would have found a way to save Kanan and Lothal.

He sat back against the bunk and wiped his face again. He hung his head and for a long time, he tried to just breathe. Not think, not feel, but just breathe. It had been one of the first meditations Kanan had showed him long ago, and it proved to be as challenging now as it had been then. Due to the spice liquor, his sense of the Force was intermittent; it came and went like a bad comm signal. He was exhausted, and eventually fell into an uncomfortable sleep.

When he next opened his eyes, it was still dark. He had somehow made his way into the small fresher and was sitting with his back against the wall, looking down at the empty glitteryll hypo in his hand.

It was a bad choice, but if it **was** glitteryll, he wouldn't remember it anyway, he thought, as his eyes drifted closed.

He only woke one more time—a brief struggle to consciousness—as a spreading numbness took over his body. The cold that had seemed like a permanent affliction on Hoth had finally faded, and he was left with only a fuzzy blankness that faded into sleep.


	5. Chapter 5

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Hi, everyone. Hope you enjoy this chapter. I was going to wait until tomorrow night, but decided to go ahead and publish tonight, despite fighting a migraine due to major work stress. I blame any errors on that, lol. Make my day and drop me a line to let me know what you're thinking. I appreciate your reading this! It makes all my hard work worthwhile.
> 
> A SPECIAL shout-out to Westward Glance for being a great friend and Beta for me. If you haven't read his stuff, go do so now!

 

* * *

5.

"I'm taking the _Phantom_ to find him, kriff what command says." Sabine's jaw was set in that way that said the Mandalorian wouldn't take no for an answer.

She was fully equipped in her armor, with her Westars strapped at her side. Determination was burning in her eyes, and Hera knew that there would be no holding her back.

"You're not going alone, kit." Zeb came out of his room with his bo-rifle strapped across his back.

Hera sat at the Dejarik table, watching the both of them and saying little. Ezra had been gone three days—was now a full day and a half overdue. They'd tried to comm him, with no luck. None of them had been able to sleep; Sabine had spent long hours in communications, monitoring Imperial traffic to see if he'd been captured. And Hera was wracked with guilt over pushing Ezra away, unable to sleep or rest herself. She nodded weakly. "Go. I'll back you up if there's trouble with command."

Just then, Chopper squealed and rolled from the cockpit toward Sabine, manipulators waving, saying Ezra was back…Flight control had just gotten his request for clearance to land. The little droid had obviously been monitoring communications as well.

Sabine heaved a sigh of relief into her hands. She scrubbed her face and ran her fingers through her hair. "Thank the Force."

Zeb hugged her as Caleb came out from his room. He was sleepy, still wearing his pajamas and dragging Tooka, his favorite stuffed Loth-cat. Ezra had found the little toy in one of Lothal's markets on a milk run during Hera's pregnancy, and Caleb couldn't sleep unless he was holding it in his arms. It was striped in various shades of brown and had blue eyes, one of which was now chipped, but Caleb couldn't have cared less. He squeezed Tooka in one arm and looked up, rubbing his eyes.

"Mama?" He asked softly.

"Caleb. Come here, sweetheart." She held her arms open.

Caleb came over and climbed into her lap, yawning. "Ezra's home," he murmured as he settled his head against her shoulder.

"You're right. He is." She kissed the top of his head and wrapped her arms around him, not questioning how he knew anymore. Hera sighed. She both wanted Ezra to come back and feared it. What would he say? Had he stayed away an extra day just to prove a point? How was she going to apologize? She'd lost so much, she didn't want to lose him too. She'd have to make him understand that she didn't mean to hurt him, it was just the idea of losing Caleb had made her feel helpless...and she hadn't felt like that since losing Kanan.

"I'm going to go down." Sabine said, pulling on her coat.

"We'll be here waiting." Hera promised.

Sabine left the room, slipping down the ladder and out into the hangar. Making her way through Echo Base, she passed the main briefing room and command center, then slipped past the tauntaun pen and over to Hangar Bay 7.

She saw the ship Ezra had taken-a civilian spaceship, with a tiny cargo bay. Two recruits were unloading the cargo. "Where's Lieutenant Commander Bridger?"

The two shrugged. "Don't know. Sorry, ma'am."

Sabine turned and scanned the people at work in the early morning. Most of them she recognized. She turned back toward the bay and caught sight of Ezra's tall form, standing at the edge of the hangar doors. It was a dark day with black sooty clouds; snow was falling already, in a gentle shower, sweeping through the air like feather fluff. It landed on Ezra's dark hat and swirled past his face.

She approached carefully, afraid he might turn and disappear once more. "Ezra?"

He was as still as a statue; she approached from the side, not wanting to startle him when she took his hand.

"Ezra?" She slipped her hand into his, and he turned slowly to her.

Ezra's eyes were dark in the grey overcast light. "Hey," he sighed tiredly.

Sabine reached out, and then they were in each other's arms. "It's okay." Ezra whispered, not sure if he was telling her or trying to reassure himself.

"You were gone so long. I was worried," Sabine murmured, lifting her head.

"I'm late?" Ezra asked, letting her slip from his arms as she stepped back. When he'd woken up in the ship after his drinking binge, he'd been confused and unsure of where he was. His memories of what he'd thought of as the night before were fuzzy and indistinct, so he'd assumed that he'd drunk himself into another blackout. And it was bad; this time, he'd even had difficulty flying. He'd barely been able to pull himself into the pilot's seat and set the coordinates to get himself back here. During some of the jumps he'd even fallen asleep in the pilot's chair. A fog seemed to hang over his thoughts and he kept losing focus.

It was a strange, disconnected sensation that was not altogether unpleasant, because for the first time since Kanan had died, he felt relief from the constant ache of his Master's absence. He tried to reconcile the two feelings, but he couldn't. "How…how late am I?" As he waited for the answer, his eyes were recaptured by the falling feathers of snow.

It took her a few moments to process his question. He didn't know? How could he **not** know? "Ezra…you're over a day overdue. What happened? Why didn't you comm us?" She nudged him gently when he didn't respond. "What happened?"

He seemed confused. "I…I'm not sure."

"You didn't have to stay away to prove a point to Hera. Ezra, she's sorry." Sabine was searching his face intently. She'd expected to see pain, fear or sadness…but she saw nothing. It was baffling.

"Um…Sorry? For what?" He blinked at her.

Something was definitely not right, Sabine felt. In fact, she felt such a sense of wrongness vibrating in her bones it made her feel sick. "For the fight, Ezra. She's sorry that you two fought."

"Oh. Oh, yeah." He still looked confused, then his expression flattened back out as his gaze went out to the softly falling snow.

She watched him for long moments, getting the feeling that he'd stand there silently watching the snow until hypothermia set in. There was a pale cast to his skin, as if the cold had seeped into his very pores. "What is it, _Cyare_?" His blank eyes as he turned to look at her were unnerving.

Ezra took a long time to answer, like a sleepwalker slowly waking. "Nothing. I'm just tired."

She took his hand and pulled him away from the snow and back toward her. "Come on. I'm taking you home."

* * *

When Hera heard the _tink, tink, tink_ of footsteps on the ladder, she set down her caf cup, and stood with difficulty.

Sabine came in first, followed by Ezra. He looked more tired than she'd ever seen him. There were dark circles under his eyes that contrasted with his pale skin. Hera felt her stomach ache at the thought that she was the cause.

If there was one thing that Ezra hadn't needed or deserved, it was to hear the words she'd spoken in fear. She knew deep down that Ezra wouldn't knowingly hurt Caleb or allow hurt to come to him. She was also well aware that he'd rather die than see anything happen to Caleb, but she still couldn't seem to put a lid on her rising panic. Her fear was so bad that she had never talked to Caleb about his father's past, other than to say that Kanan would have loved him very much.

"Ezra's home!" Caleb ran from the booth and threw himself at Ezra's legs. The Jedi looked down for a minute, then up at Hera uncertainly, as if asking for permission. She nodded quickly, her brow crinkling with worry. The Jedi knelt and held out both arms.

"Hey there, kid," he said, giving Caleb a hug.

"I missed you." Caleb murmured, clinging on tightly.

"I…missed you too, Spectre Seven." Ezra let him go and reached up to ruffle his hair. "A lot." Then he caught Hera's eyes again. There was a strange, sad look on her features. It took a minute to remember why. Their fight was dim in his mind, like something he'd done while half asleep. It seemed like it had happened years ago.

Zeb stepped forward and Ezra's hands slipped from Caleb's shoulders as he stood to face the big Lasat. Zeb clapped him on the shoulder wordlessly, then reached down to take Caleb's hand.

"Let's go get you dressed. Sabine can help us out, while Ezra and your mom talk a minute."

"Okay." Sabine followed Caleb and Zeb into the little boy's room, glancing over her shoulder and meeting Ezra's eyes before the door closed behind them.

Hera tried to start speaking several times. "Ezra…I don't even know how to begin. I'm sorry. For everything."

He looked away, not meeting her eyes. "It's okay, Hera." His voice was a shade, a ghost of its normal self. She took a step forward.

"No, it's not." She struggled for the right words. "This thing with Caleb terrifies me, Ezra. Please try to understand, I can't lose anyone else. Not him, not you. I…I can't…"

"I know." Ezra murmured.

"Caleb being a Force sensitive, or even a Jedi…scares the absolute kriff out of me, but that's no excuse. I shouldn't have turned on you." Her voice wobbled a little at the end, which made Ezra look up with alarm. "Please f-forgive me. But I can't let him follow Kanan. I just…I can't."

He saw the tears streaking down her cheeks as she looked away, trying furiously not to cry. Her lekku were hanging limply, a clear indicator of her mood. "Hera. It's okay." He said, placing a hand on her shoulder cautiously. "It's okay."

"No, it's not." Hera murmured, looking up at him. She couldn't help realizing how tall and broad-shouldered he was now. When had he grown into a man? How had she not noticed? "I never wanted to hurt you. I'm sorry, Ezra."

"I shouldn't have left...I um…I just needed some time."

She nodded, uncertain if things would ever be the same between them again. Ezra seemed almost emotionless, like a flat stone carving. He'd shifted his eyes to the hem of his jacket where his fingers restlessly plucked at it.

Just then, Sabine came out from Caleb's room. They could hear the soft rumble of Zeb telling Cale a story before the door slid closed behind her.

"Everything okay?" Sabine asked, the tension in her voice apparent.

Ezra nodded. "Yeah. I…I'm not feeling so well," he mumbled, pushing past her and turning to head for his room. "I should go and…lie down…"

"Come with me." Sabine took his hand and guided Ezra into her own room, only turning the lights on halfway as they both entered. He paused in the middle of the room, looking around like he didn't recognize it.

" _Cyare_. Talk to me," she asked gently.

He tugged off his knit cap. "I don't know what you want me to say." His body was rigid, as if too cold to move. He removed his gloves and she helped him shrug out of his coat.

"Tell me what happened when you left here."

"Nothing…" he insisted softly. "You shouldn't worry…"

She pulled at the long-sleeved fleece shirt he wore, helping him tug it over his head. Underneath he had a black short sleeved shirt on. She remembered heartbreakingly how he used to wear only orange. The wearing of the black had started after Kanan died. It was another karked-up way of mourning, like Ezra keeping his hair short. It had been obvious for a while that Ezra was still struggling with his grief.

"The only thing that worries me is that you won't let me in." She traced her hands from his shoulders, down his arms to his hands. It was then she saw a welt on the inside of his arm from a hypospray. Fearing he'd gotten hurt again, she narrowed her eyes. "What happened?"

He stared at it and brushed it with his fingers. "I have no idea."

"Banthashit," she swore in a whisper. "Ezra…" she said in a warning tone as she looked him over for any obvious injuries.

There was a long pause as she watched Ezra trying to remember-or was he just making up a story? She was scared because she didn't know for certain. He shook his head.

"Ezra—how can you not know what happened—"

Ezra let out a heavy sigh. "Look, because... I...uh...I was drinking."

"And…"

"I hit it too hard. I…uh…I usually do. I…must have blacked out after a while because I don't remember anything…"

His eyes were too dark and all wrong, and she realized for the first time it was his pupils. They were huge. Was he on some sort of illegal substance? "Wait for me."

"Sabine…I…"

"Wait."

She came back in a moment with the medkit. "Sit on the bed." She led him to take a seated position, then she took the portable medscanner and used it on him. "Your heart rate is slower than normal…whatever it was in the hypo must have had some sort of sedative effect." She placed the scanner against the skin of his arm and it took a blood sample.

While it worked, she set the scanner to the side and found a small bacta bandage to cover the welt on his arm. His hands were cold and she held them tightly, neither of them speaking.

The medscanner beeped and she snatched at it with both hands, reading the screen so fast she had to go back and reread it to be sure.

"Glitteryll." She breathed, scanning the effects of the drug and symptoms of overdose. "It…it kriffs with your memory, Ezra. That's why…why you might not remember taking it." She scanned the rest of the list. Sedative effect, just like she thought. Lasts 36 hours or so, then, depending on the purity level, and two to three days after that subjects would have decreased emotional reactions to stimuli. If the drug was 100% pure and taken multiple times, there was a high chance of addiction. "Do you think someone might have dosed you? In the club?"

He shook his head. "I…I don't know."

"Or was it the fight?" she whispered, her voice growing louder. "Did you go out and score this karking poison because of the fight between you and Hera?" She could feel her anger rising with her fear and she tried to control both, dropping her voice low. "How long has this been going on? Tell me the truth, Ezra. Please."

He shook his head. "I was drinking. That's all I know. I…I do it sometimes…when I'm on mission alone. I…I don't remember going anywhere but the bar."

"I'm getting Zeb and Hera." Sabine stood up, but at the note in Ezra's anguished voice, she stopped.

"Bean, don't."

She turned. "Ezra…"

"What if she…decides I can't…be trusted with Caleb?"

She came back at the fear growing in his dark eyes. "Can you?" she asked.

"You know I can," he whispered.

"Kriff, Ezra…what am I _supposed_ to do?" She paced a moment, then sat back on the bed. Then she grabbed him tightly and held him close. Her heart only quit pounding when he finally returned the embrace. "Okay, kriff it. Just rest, Ezra. We can talk later, when you're more yourself."

"Sometimes I feel…like I'm trying to breathe underwater, Sabine. It's…as bad as it was after…Kanan…died," he admitted, his voice just a dry whisper.

She nodded slowly, not knowing what to do. Believe him or not? The fight between Ezra and Hera had obviously taken a toll on him. For about the millionth time, she wished Kanan was there with them. Everything had karking fallen apart with the loss of the Jedi. Before that, they'd faced all kinds of danger, no-win situations, certain death and not been afraid. When they'd needed a miracle, Kanan and Ezra had been there for them. But Kanan hadn't been strong enough to escape his fate, and this deep depression seemed to be eating Ezra from the inside out. The specter of Death seemed to be waiting around every corner to devour them.

It wasn't that they were afraid to die. That had nothing to do with the all-consuming fear that stalked them. It was losing each other. If they could lose Kanan, then they were all at risk. His death had cut deep and another blow like that…would be the end of them; Sabine knew it in her bones.

"I'm so karking tired." Ezra's head bowed and his eyes closed.

"I know." She stood after a moment, then began to strip down to her blacks and he did the same. He pulled his shirt over his head, then ghosted his hands over her sides. They slid all the way down to her hips and rolled off her leggings. She helped him leave the rest of his own clothes in a puddle at the foot of the bunk and they climbed under the heavy blankets, wrapping their limbs around each other. Ezra's skin slowly warmed against her own. They remained silent for a long time, until she felt Ezra's breathing deepen and even out. Her last thought before she fell asleep herself was how damned glad she was that he was back home, in bed with her where he belonged. He wouldn't escape so easily next time.

* * *

She awoke before dinner, and was able to climb out from her bunk without disturbing Ezra. He'd fallen asleep against her, but when she opened her eyes, she saw he was turned to the wall. His even breathing testified to the fact that he was still locked safely in sleep.

Sabine drew on her blacks again; along with a pair of thick socks. Leaving the room as quietly as possible, and she crept into the common room.

Zeb was sitting at the table. "Kit." He nodded slowly over his cup of caf. "I just made a pot, if you want," he said.

"Wh..what time is it?" She called, gratefully heading for the caf.

"After 1700. Ezra still asleep?"

She nodded, sliding into the booth across from him. "He's…all wrong." She began, not really knowing what she intended to say.

"What do you mean?" Zeb raised an eyebrow. "Something happened with Ezra and Hera during their talk?"

"No…it's not that. Zeb. If I share something with you, can it just stay between the two of us?" She bit her bottom lip, squeezing her trembling hands into fists on the table. "Because Hera doesn't need this right now."

"Of course," Zeb nodded.

She let out a shaky sigh. "I'm scared to death. Force, Zeb. I don't even know where to start."

Zeb placed a warm paw over one of her hands and steadied her, just like Kanan would have. "Just start at the beginning kit."

"I think he's falling apart. He told me he's drinking after missions, to the point where he blacks out." She glanced up and saw that Zeb was not surprised. "He told me like it was nothing."

"I…I had a feeling." Zeb said. His keen sense of smell had been able to detect the scent of alcohol on the Jedi on several occasions. Zeb hadn't said anything, however. He, Kallus and Rex gathered together frequently to drink some of the homemade jet juice on the base and escape the pressures of war for a few companionable hours. He assumed Ezra was doing the same; hells, he'd invited Ezra on a few occasions to come with him. But as Ezra took more and more missions, he'd had less off time to spend with them. Come to think of it, he spent a lot of missions out there alone. "It might be nothing," he muttered hopefully.

He knew Ezra's effectiveness during missions hadn't suffered; Zeb had heard that just last week, he'd saved two recruits by Force yanking them out of harm's way during an assault on an Imperial warehouse. He'd always been quick in the field, but as an adult, he'd grown into a finely-honed weapon; a brave soldier that Zeb knew Kanan would be extremely proud of. Yeah, he took crazy risks a lot of the time, but he always made out alright.

"Th-there's more." Sabine took a deep breath and said it all at once. "When Ezra got back this morning, he was karked up on Glitteryll. I tested him with the medscanner. His pupils were huge and he…he wasn't acting right."

Zeb let out a low whistle. "Frack." Okay, this was getting serious.

"Yeah." Sabine sighed. Ezra was the strongest person she knew and if this war was finally breaking him, what hope did the rest of them have to get through it?

She wrapped her arms around herself, trying to warm the sudden chill she felt. "Zeb. He claimed he was blacked out, and he doesn't know if he took it himself, or if someone might have dosed him somehow. I don't know if…if I should believe him…"

Zeb took a swig of caf like it was Corellian whiskey. Ezra hid his pain well; they all knew that.

The Lasat found himself thinking about the day Ezra had saved Hera, only a few hours after Kanan had...died. Zeb had watched, heart breaking, as Ezra swallowed his grief and lead the rescue mission. For a moment the Lasat was back there in his mind, and he couldn't help remembering.

Ez had taken point—and with the Jedi out front, none of the Spectres following had felt so much as a blaster bolt. He was a force of nature barreling down each hallway-a finelly-honed weapon that cut down any Imperial in the way. When they entered interrogation, Pryce had been throwing blaster bolts at them from behind the table where Hera was strapped down.

Ezra had deflected each shot until Pryce lay on her back, gasping for air from the smoking hole in her chest. Without a second's delay, he had loosened Hera's restraints with the Force, and gathered her into his arms.

"Where's Kanan?" Hera had asked, again and again, her senses dulled by the interrogation drugs. She'd been barely able to walk without Ezra and Zeb's help.

"Kanan sent me to find you," had been Ezra's only reply as he slipped his arm around her. "Come on, let's get you out of here."

Ezra had waited until reaching camp to break the news to her. He had held Hera while she screamed out her grief against his shoulder. Zeb and Sabine had approached, and wrapped their arms around Ezra and Hera as well, offering their silent support.

It wasn't until later that Zeb had seen the Jedi show his own grief. Later that night, when Hera had fallen into an exhausted slumber, Ezra slipped away to sit alone in meditation. The Jedi had gone far away from camp, sitting in the tall grasses out past the speeders and ships, expecting not to be observed. Zeb had located him with his keen sense of smell.

The Jedi had given up on meditation and was curled into a tight knot, sobbing softly. Without a second thought, Zeb had knelt beside Ezra and pulled him into a hug.

"Let it all out, kit. It's okay." Zeb had mumbled in his gravelly voice. "I got you, now."

After such a blow, they'd thrown themselves into the Rebellion. Zeb still thought it had been too quickly after losing Kanan. Once, when he'd asked Hera about scaling back a bit, she had snatched up a Harris wrench and worked herself into the space between the bulkhead and the engine to get away from him. "Zeb. This is all I have," she had said in a tone that said the subject was closed.

"It's not all you have. You have your family. Me, the kids…the baby." He had lowered his voice for the last part.

She had refused to answer him. Ezra had been the same way, throwing himself into the fight against the Empire as if he was seeking revenge for his loss. Zeb had thought things had gotten better when Caleb had been born, but they hadn't. The fight two days ago was a good example. The wounds they had suffered were deep, Zeb realized, and for the first time, he feared that they might never heal.

"Zeb," Sabine gently prodded again, and Zeb realized he'd been lost in his memories of the past too long.

"Sorry, kit," he apologized.

"Should I believe him? About the glitteryll?" Sabine's eyes were shrouded in worry.

"I guess you have no choice but to believe him." Zeb murmured. "For now."

"He doesn't want Hera to know. He's terrified she wouldn't trust him with Caleb anymore."

"We'll have to keep an eye on him then," Zeb said. "You and me. If…if this isn't a one-time thing, we'll find out and then do whatever we have to do."

She nodded, moving her hands to cup her mug of caf and bring it to her lips. Just then, Caleb came out of his room, bringing her a flimsi with a picture on it.

"Hey, sweetheart." She managed a smile. "Climb up her with me."

He did, snuggling into her. "Look at my picture."

She took it as he handed it to her. It was a peaceful scene of Ezra's comm tower on Lothal. Gently waving grasses surrounded the taller shape, but it was easily discernible as the place Ezra had lived before joining the _Ghost_ crew. The only problem was that Caleb had never been to Lothal and had never seen Ezra's tower before. There was a tall wolfish shape standing in the foreground of the picture, a Loth-wolf with glowing golden eyes. She looked up at Zeb then back at Caleb. It was startlingly realistic, while still the drawing of a child. Even the ridges on the wolf's nose were there, andthe creature had a strange mark on its fur that seemed vaguely familiar.

"How…how did you think to draw this?"

"I dreamed it." Caleb said.

Sabine nodded weakly. It was just another example of the Force in the kid's life. Hera was going to have to face the facts eventually. The kid was like Kanan and as far as they knew, only Ezra and Skywalker knew what he would be going through as he matured. Skywalker had his own problems, though, and he wasn't part of the family. Ever since Caleb had been born the crew was fiercely protective of him; they hardly ever let others get that close, except for Kallus and Rex, of course. So that just left Ezra to be Caleb's guide. "It's a really good picture. This is where Ezra lived a long time ago. On Lothal."

"Oh." Caleb nodded. "Can I show him?"

She nodded. "Sure, but he's sleeping right now, little cub. Why don't you put it on your bed and I'll help you hang it up later?"

"Okay." Caleb took the picture and climbed down. Then he stopped, his face tight with worry. "Is Ezra okay?"

"Yeah, why?"

Kanan's eyebrows knitted together in the little boy's face. "I dunno." He shook his head, shrugged and tottered back to his room.

Before Sabine could say anything, Zeb stood up. "I better get some dinner on. It's my turn tonight."

"I'll help," she answered.


	6. Chapter 6

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Wow, this story has been a wild ride. We have possibly 2 chapters more on this one and I really wanted you to have an update tonight. Thanks for sticking around for this, even though it's been a little wait, I hope you still enjoy it. (Muse has been working a little slowly lately-so again I ask for patience as I try to get this thing finished.) In this chapter, something happens that causes a crash for Ezra. Have a great night, and please let me know what you thought. I always get super excited when I realize someone's commented that never has commented before. And then also, again and again, I am amazed at the people that come back to read this stuff of mine. Thank you so so so much!

Chapter 6

Days turned into a week, then one week turned into two, and two turned into a month. Ezra seemed to settle into a rhythm. He'd been on three missions; one where he led a fighter group as they attacked a small Imperial outpost, and two more that were just undercover missions with three-man teams to acquire supplies. The fact that he'd not had a solo mission since what Sabine had begun to think of as "the incident" was due to a confidential conversation she'd had with Hera. She hadn't admitted anything, but she'd managed to convince Hera that solo missions were not good for Ezra, in case he decided to disappear again. Force only knew how she'd worked it without a lot of questions from Hera, except that the Twi'lek had been anxious to do anything that would help Ezra after their misunderstanding.

Sabine watched over him quietly like a great brooding Krowneagle, sitting unseen but observing everything. Had it not been for Ezra's bad dreams, she would have thought he was fine. He took time to play with Caleb, do his regular tasks around the _Ghost_ , meditate and practice katas, in addition to his missions. Still, he seemed so lonely…apart from everyone.

Before he'd crashed into such a deep depression, he'd spent only occasional nights in her bunk. Half the time, their schedules were so different that neither of them were on the _Ghost_ at the exact same time except for a couple of times a week due to the frenetic pace of their missions. But now, he had pretty much moved into her bunk on a permanent basis. Sometimes though, she still found him either in the galley, slumped over a cup of caf or standing silently, watching over them in the night. On other nights, he was so exhausted he hardly moved as he slept.

The watching episodes were the worst. She'd figured out pretty quickly that his watching was some sort of sleepwalking episode; Ezra would be standing in the darkness, holding either his saber or his blaster in one hand as he stared out into the night. One time, he was in the cargo bay, then she found him right outside her door in the hallway. Another time, she'd been in an utter panic until she found him on top of the _Ghost_ , standing there in the semi-darkness of the night cycle on the station. She would bring him around with her presence, clasping his free hand in her own and talking softly to him. Eventually he would awaken from the sleepwalking or trance or whatever it was and would allow her to guide him back to bed. They never spoke about it the next day. The first time, she'd been about to bring it up as they got dressed the next morning, but the wary, almost trapped look in his eye kept her from asking questions. She knew she just needed to be there for him—a steady presence was what he needed most.

What could they do about any of it anyway? she wondered. It wasn't like they could take him to an Imperial medcenter. They didn't have anyone who could deal with the problems he was wrestling with anyway, just some meddroids and a few old medics that patched up the soldiers as best as they could. If command knew any of what had happened, they'd ground Ezra, probably for good and she knew that would make things a hell of a lot worse.

No. They were doing all that could be done. She would just have to hope that losing Kanan was a pain that would heal with time. Hera wasn't doing great with it either, but raising Caleb forced her to look past her pain in a way that Ezra couldn't seem to. He still blamed himself for Kanan's death just as much as Hera blamed the Force for the loss, Sabine was sure of it.

She began to think about the developing closeness between them. It wasn't as if she was good at this relationship thing, but she'd begun to realize what Ezra meant to her. The cold panic she'd felt while waiting for him to reappear on base after the "incident" was never far from her mind. She hadn't told Ezra, but she'd put a tracker in his boot, so she'd be able to go after him if he took off again.

All her life, she had always thought herself a loner. Despite loving Ezra as she did, she was still surprised she'd taken to having him so close so quickly. When she was around, he made a great effort to be charming and attentive. (Thank the Force he'd gotten better at that since their teenage days!) He was quick to pick up on a bad day and give her the space she needed, as well.

She stopped drawing a moment as she realized what he meant to her. Before the war, before the Empire, she'd never given much thought to finding someone to love. She'd always assumed she would meet some warrior who would be strong and handsome and steal her heart like in one of the ancient poems of her people. She had just never thought it would be Ezra. Over the years, she and Ezra had built something as strong as durasteel, due to everything they'd been through together. She didn't know if it would be enough to hold them both together until the end of the war, but she was going to give it a good karking try.

He was meditating near her as she sketched; she was holding the pad on her knees as she reclined on the bed. She looked back down at her work and brought out the hues of black and blue in his dark hair. She'd drawn his black hair longer, like it had been when she first met him.

"What're you doing?" He asked, not opening his eyes.

"Hmm? What?" She asked, not looking up from her sketch.

"You feel different." He murmured.

"I thought you were meditating." She smiled at him when he opened his eyes and looked up at her.

"Yeah, then you started broadcasting something really strongly." He quirked an eyebrow. "Something like love."

"Nah. Must be your imagination, Master Jedi." She said as Ezra stood up and climbed into the bunk. She slid over to make room.

He saw the smirk on her lips and leaned in to kiss her. "Nope. That was definitely NOT my imagination." He pressed his forehead against her own, looking into her eyes for long moments. "Okay, Bean?"

"Y-yeah. I was just thinking how…nice this is. How I like having you here. And how much we've been through."

"I know I've been staying kinda close lately. Is that…that okay?" His forehead crinkled with worry. "I'm not…crowding you am I?"

"No, you're not, don't be a nerf." She smiled, trying to play it off. "It was either you move in here or I move in with you and Zeb, and I'm not sure Zeb would appreciate us…doing this." She gestured to the way Ezra had fit his body against her own in the bunk, and how he had one arm draped over her stomach as she laughed gently.

He nodded, intent on kissing her once again, but there was a sudden beep from both of their comms. "Spectres five and six. Please report to command. We might have a mission for you." Hera's voice came over the comm, tight with worry.

Ezra replied for both of them. "We're on our way, Spectre 2." He rolled out of bed and she followed. "Wonder what's up? She sounded stressed."

"I'm not sure," Sabine replied.

Ezra pulled on his boots, and fastened his saber to his belt. Sabine strapped on her Westars. Within three minutes, they were dressed and on their way to command.

* * *

Ezra watched Sabine sleep as the little freighter gave a shudder on its way into hyperspace. It was a long jump. He was sitting in one of the bunks; Sabine had crawled up with him and settled down for a nap, her head pillowed in his lap. He brushed a hand over her hair, then closed his eyes, trying to calm himself as he went over the mission parameters in his mind.

The mission was rescuing a "possible Jedi." Command had received a top-secret transmission through spies and informants that there was a Jedi trapped on Pangal, a mountainous planet known for its ores and precious metals. Her name was Mira Lenain; Ezra had checked her name in the holocron records and found a listing for a Jedi Master, which lent credence to the story. He also found that Pangal had a hidden Jedi temple, and the coordinates matched the coordinates in the message that they had received.

Skywalker was gone on another op, so Ezra had been the only Jedi left to verify her story and go on the mission. Sabine was the only Spectre on the trip. Two of the soldiers he didn't know, but the other one, Myrek Jex, was a pilot he'd flown with on several occasions. He was a solid soldier and ace pilot that would do well, no matter what they ran into. He was one of Hera's and had volunteered for the mission, which was to find the Jedi and bring her back to Rebellion leadership.

Ezra could feel nothing from the Force to hint as to what was going to happen. It was frustrating, but he tried once again to feel the tide pushing him one way or the other. It was maddeningly silent. Was this going to turn out badly? Could this be some trick of the Imperials? It was frustrating that he couldn't sense it.

He sighed heavily and tried to sleep instead. Years of meditation practice made it easy to relax the tension in his neck, shoulders and back, leaning against the bulkhead behind him. In a few deep breaths, he was asleep.

* * *

It was taking everything that Sabine had not to hover over Ezra. He'd been asleep earlier and had awoken in a panic after a bad dream. He hadn't shared it with her, but she had known it was bad when he woke up flailing and unsure of where he was. After he'd calmed, she'd suggested that they come out to see how close they were to Pangal.

"We're about thirty minutes out, Commander Bridger," the pilot, Myrek Jex, told them. He was one of Hera's trainees and had proved himself one of the better pilots on the base. "Any idea what we're going to find at these coordinates?"

"Maybe. It's in a valley between two mountains in the upper hempisphere of Pangal. I'll know what I'm looking for when I see it." Ezra said, examining a hologram of the planet.

"Yes, sir." Jex nodded. His co-pilot, Vosh, remained focused on hyperspace.

Ezra and Sabine went to check their equipment.

"Do you think it really is a Jedi Temple?" Sabine asked.

Ezra nodded, checking his blaster and strapping it on. "The Holocron hasn't been wrong. There's a temple at those coordinates."

"Have you had any feelings from the Force?" Sabine was strapping on her own Westars as she spoke.

"N-no." Ezra shook his head, wondering if the Jedi they were going to save would have known Kanan from the temple. What if…if she wanted to know what happened to his master? He swallowed hard.

There was a touch on his arm. "Hey. I'm with you. The whole time, Ezra."

"It's just that it's…gonna be hard." He managed. "Hard to go into a temple without…without Kanan. I'm not even sure I can get in on my own." He dropped his head and closed his eyes. "That's all."

"I'll be with you," she promised again, taking his hand.

* * *

Finding the temple and dodging the Imperial blockade around the planet proved to be easy. They used their forged credentials to pass into the planet's atmosphere and they were such a small shuttle that they weren't tracked after the initial identification.

Ezra had them set down about two klicks from the temple. Everyone but Jex suited up and they trekked up a path cut into the mountainside. The two soldiers, named Tanner and Vosh, followed Ezra and Sabine, blaster rifles at the ready.

It was fall and the forest was carpeted with yellow and orange leaves. It had been lightly raining, making the cool weather feel colder than it was. Rain ponchos covered all of them, darker green and brown colors blending into the trees that had not yet begun to turn their colors.

Jex had performed a scan before they left and it showed no Imperials in the area, but Ezra still had a bad feeling. He didn't sense anything specifically and so without evidence, he tried to shrug it off, but it still pulled at him. Something was not what it seemed, the Force seemed to whisper. With the way things had been recently, he was afraid to trust himself.

After about twenty minutes of walking, Ezra paused on the leafy trail to turn to them. "The temple is around the next corner."

"Want us to clear it first, Commander Bridger?" Vosh asked, wiping the rain from his face. As the youngest, he was quite energetic.

Ezra shook his head. "There's a Force user in there, so I'm going in first. What I want you to do is to keep us informed of any Imperial activity out here. If you see or hear anything, let us know immediately so we can pull back. Tanner, you're with us."

"Yes, sir, Commander." Tanner replied curtly.

As soon as they topped the rise and turned the corner, two columns carved out of the solid grey stone greeted them. They were a wet greyish brown where the rain had stained them. A set of concentric circles were carved into the moss-covered stone under their feet, leading to the doorway between the columns. At Ezra's approach they tried to glow, but the luminescence was intermittent and faint.

Ezra cast out his senses. There was a Force signature inside the temple, but it came and went: as murky as the glow from the path. It was almost like some sort of interference was blurring it out.

Ezra let his hand fall. "Someone's inside. Just one." Ezra glanced to Sabine, then to Tanner. "Let's go."

They approached the entrance head on. Ezra could feel the vergence under the place; it wasn't very strong…almost like it had been damaged or drained in some way. He hesitated for a moment, wishing that Kanan was there.

When they stepped inside the vestibule, Ezra paused again. The heavy metal doors, set into the stone in front of him had been broken open—they were warped and twisted on their huge hinges. Well, that was one problem averted. He'd wondered about opening the temple and if this temple had the same rules about two Jedi as the ones he had visited with Kanan. He was a Padawan without a Master this time.

"What happened?" Sabine went to one of the doors and ran her fingers over the twisted metal.

Ezra shook his head. "I don't know. Maybe…the Empire. Maybe they stole something from the temple." Was it Vader? Could he have been searching for something, maybe? Jedi holocrons? Lightsabers? His mind ran over and over the various possibilities as he pulled back the hood on his rain-proof poncho.

Sabine watched Ezra try to connect with the Force again. Then he shook his head. "I can't tell. Something happened here, but it was a while ago. The…the temple was damaged in some way." The faint glow beneath his feet blinked several times, then went out, leaving them in darkness.

He drew his saber to light the way inside.

The hallway further on had faint lighting set into the walls, and together with the light of Ezra's lightsaber, it led them further in.

The hall eventually opened into a wide room. There was a circular opening in the ceiling above a circular reflecting pool, filled with rainwater. The drops tinkled musically in the dark. Ezra's lightsaber cast a greenish light in the depths of the pool and he saw his face eerily reflected in the water.

"I wondered if you would really come."

Ezra startled, looking up and squinting to see where the voice was coming from. "Stay back," he whispered to Sabine and Tanner.

"Yes sir." Tanner nodded.

"Who are you?"

"Mira Lenain."

As Ezra approached, he could see a light-haired woman, kneeling in meditation. She was right in front of him, but in the Force she was fuzzy and indistinct. "So there ARE Jedi in the Rebellion," she lifted her face to his, and he could see that her eyes were some light shade, probably green but it was hard to tell in the green hue of his lightsaber. The woman matched her physical description in the holocron, however, so Ezra felt a bit more at ease.

"My name is Ezra Bridger." Ezra said, trying to get a handle on her Force signature.

She smiled and slowly got to her feet. He could tell that she was older than Kanan would have been now but not by much. "You're younger than I expected. I'm so very glad to meet you. I am Jedi Master Lenain. I want to join the Rebellion, if you'll take me there."

The Force was murmuring to him as she took his hand. There was a flash of something in his mind. It was a pressure-pushing, worming its way in.

_Look, look deep_ , the Force seemed to whisper. _Careful_ …

"I have a few questions…" Ezra began distractedly, still focusing on the whispering from the Force.

"As I do for you. Who was your Jedi Master? Perhaps I knew him."

Ezra hesitated. The green eyes of the woman were focused on him and he was finding it difficult to tear himself away.

"There's time for questions later." Sabine called warningly from across the room as she began to edge closer.

The blond woman's eyes cut to Sabine's, and there was a flash of something there like anger, but then her placid face centered on Ezra again. "Your Jedi Master. He was…"

"Kanan Jarrus." Ezra whispered, trying to raise his mental shields, but slipping. He felt confused. "Who are you again?"

"I am Mira Lenain." She smiled and her face seemed to change and was strangely compelling. Her voice held some eerie power which both intrigued and repulsed him. "Where is the Rebel base, Ezra Bridger?"

"You're not who you say you are…I sense…the dark side." Ezra narrowed his eyes at her and took a step back, but couldn't seem to gather the focus needed to raise his shields. The Force howled an alarm, but he couldn't seem to concentrate on it.

She had her claws deep, and she asked again. "It's somewhere cold? I can feel it from you. The Rebels are...somewhere cold. An ice planet?"

Sabine screamed, "No, Ezra!"

"Out of my head." Ezra pushed the darksider out of his head and back from him using the Force. She was thrown back clear to the wall, her hypnotizing spell broken for the moment.

There was a blaster shot that missed, fired by either Tanner or Sabine; Ezra didn't dare turn his head to see. He was watching the woman rise to her feet. She drew a lightsaber from her belt, and he saw with dismay it was red.

"Karking hells!" Sabine began to bark orders into her comm as she backed into the darkness of the hallway keeping her sights on them. Her mind was racing. This woman was a redblade. The whole thing was a set up. Her mind began planning escape strategies. The Imperials would not be far away.

Ezra heard none of this. He was focused on the opponent in front of him. She was ready, her saberstaff held horizontally in front of her, ready to block any attack. "You are very strong to resist," she began, a smile on her features. "But I can feel your heart, Jedi. There is much darkness there. Pain and anger. Rage at the loss of your master."

"You know nothing about me." Ezra let out a deep breath, trying to release his fear into the Force. Whatever abilities this darksider had, she could read him well. Kanan had told him once that some Jedi had the abilities to sense and ease the pain of others. He wondered if this woman had possessed this ability before her fall to the dark had twisted her.

Her eyes flashed. "I know enough. I know that the dark binds itself around your soul. It has claws in you, Ezra Bridger. Let go of the light. Embrace what you really are." She narrowed her eyes and dropped her head, watching him as he moved to circle her, looking for an opening. "You miss your Master because the light let him die. You wish to be stronger so you never have to lose anyone again. I offer that to you."

"You can offer me nothing." Ezra replied, but he felt strangely exposed. It was as if she had dug deep into the festering wound of his heart and opened it up to spread the infection to the rest of him.

The soldier next to Sabine took another shot at the darksider and was immediately felled by the reflected bolt.

Sabine dropped to her knees to see if she could help him.

"The light will take everything from you, as was done to me. The light allowed my Master and my Padawan to die…everyone I've ever known." Ezra felt the pain in her heart, and he sensed the sincerity of her words as he blocked her attacks. "It will take your family, Jedi. I was too late to save mine. Embrace the power to save your loved ones before it's too late."

Her sorrow threatened to drag him down into a dark well from which there was no return. "The dark side has lied to you." Ezra spat, blocking her slashing attacks. His resolve was weakening as she chipped at him.

"No. It was the light side who lied, Jedi. You know the dark. You believe its truth. I feel it inside you."

Like a weary snake, his grief stirred and slithered inside him. She took advantage of his distraction to slash his forearm. The pain intensified his anger because she had gotten to him. If she made it past him, she would hurt Sabine and the rest of his team, and he wouldn't let that happe. No matter what the cost.

"Yes…that's it. Use the dark side to defeat me," she goaded. Ezra was horrified to see that her face had morphed. It had become monstrous and twisted with the dark inside of her, and as she lunged for him, he moved his saber into her path. It tore through her stomach and her stunned countenance showed her pain. Her counterstrike had caught him in the shoulder—a white-hot agony. He used the Force to throw her back. She fell in a heap, but then began clawing her way to her feet.

Ezra began to back up. "Go, Sabine! Get out!" He called behind him.

"No…Ezra. No. I'm not leaving you!" A shot streaked beside Ezra and hit the darksider in the chest. The evil woman went down for a second time. Sabine's shot was true, and this time, Lenain didn't regain her feet.

Ezra turned his head, catching Sabine's eyes in the semi-darkness for an instant before he approached the darksider and kicked away her saberstaff. The woman's eyes, now glowing a sick yellow, glared at him. "Fool-foolish Jedi." Blood sprayed from her lips as she coughed. "The dark side is stronger than you think. E-even now it ea-eats at you, Bridger. You are w-weak and w-will fall and take the ones you love with you."

"Shut up!" Ezra cried, not knowing how to reply. The self-loathing was an empty hole in his chest. She was right, he reluctantly thought.

The darksider reached for her saberstaff, and as it flew into her hand, Sabine put another two shots into her. "Karking bitch!" Sabine growled.

The darksider was dead. Ezra felt her twisted soul let go of life.

Ezra looked up and over to Sabine with a stricken expression. Sabine wrapped her arms around him, careful of the two lightsaber wounds, and began encouraging him toward the door.

"Tanner's hurt. I called Vosh and the ship." Sabine told him. The soldier was lying with his back propped against the wall, breathing heavily.

Just then they heard Vosh coming toward them at a run. The soldier helped Tanner up and together the four of them began to limp toward the opening of the temple.

When they reached it, they could see their small freighter landing out in front of the temple. There was barely enough room, but the ship squeezed in.

"TIEs, Commander Bridger." Vosh pointed off to the west, where sky was dark.

Ezra turned. It was raining harder now and he could see the dark shapes, far away, advancing like crows.

"Ezra, come on," Sabine said.

Ezra shook his head. "Wait." He closed his eyes, reached for the light side of the Force…and it wasn't there. Disconcerted, he tried again, holding his breath. Once more the light side slipped through his fingers like silk that he couldn't grasp hold of.

He stood there for several long moments, trying not to panic, trying to gather himself, but it wasn't working. He had to close off the secrets left in this temple. Finally, in frustration, he fisted both hands with a pulling down motion, as he tapped into the anger and sorrow he had let surface inside the temple. This time there was a low rumble. Chunks of rock began falling in front of the entrance as Ezra pulled down all he could of the stone surrounding the temple doors.

Then, with a great effort, he pushed the dark away from him. He wasn't entirely successful. He felt cold to the bone and sick to his stomach at the way the sticky dark energy clung to him.

"Holy karking banthashit," Vosh muttered, watching the dust settle.

"Come on." Sabine was looking into Ezra's face as she took his arm. Water streamed down his cheeks and she wanted to believe it was all rain, but at the agonized expression he wore, she wasn't sure. "They're coming."

"Yeah." He said in a hoarse voice, wiping his face and glancing at the coming dark shapes. "Okay."

* * *

Ezra slid into the co-pilot's seat. Sabine had taken the aft gun and he took the forward cannon. "You just fly us to the hyperspace coordinates. I'll get the rest."

Jex proved to be a good pilot. As they made their way into atmosphere, they were chased by at least five TIEs. Sabine took out two behind them; Ezra could hear her across ship's comms. "Ezra, you have two coming up—one on each side."

Ezra tried to connect with the light, but the cold wrapped back around him. It was obvious that he wasn't going to shake the dark side so easily this time. This was different than the holocron, or the time he'd connected with the fyrnocks. Instead of using valuable time to fight it, he gritted his teeth and used the dark side to target the TIEs and take them out, hating it the whole time.

There were no other TIEs except the one behind them that Sabine was now shooting at.

"Jumping to hyperspace." Jex called.

Ezra relaxed as soon as he saw the starlines. He was in pain, tired and sick. "I'll be…in the back," he muttered, leaving the cockpit unsteadily.

The rest of the trip back to Hoth was a quiet one. Sabine kept busy. She had the most experience treating wounds, so she attended to Tanner first, who was stable. They'd laid him in the other quarters. Vosh was by Tanner's side, but he moved away as Sabine came up.

The soldier's uniform had been removed and his shirt had been cut away to reveal a nasty wound. He'd taken the shot in the abdomen. It was bad, but a few days in a bacta tank and he would be alright. After giving Tanner a shot of painkiller, she bandaged his wound and left Vosh in charge.

With a worried heart, she entered the quarters where she'd left Ezra. He was wrapped in a blanket, shivering and his eyes were closed as if he were asleep.

"Ezra?"

He opened his eyes halfway.

"I need to take a look at your arm and shoulder," she said, setting the portable medkit beside him.

"Mmm…Okay." He pulled off his wet shirt with trembling hands, then offered her his forearm.

"This is going to hurt," she said as she began to clean the thick red swath of peeling burned skin. It had to be painful, but Ezra showed no discomfort. When she was satisfied, she slathered bacta on his skin with a gentle touch.

"I deserve it. I was too slow." He said simply, as she finished. He then turned slightly so that his shoulder was bared to her.

There were blackened areas of skin here. Apparently, the saber had been in contact with the wound longer. She found herself wondering if he was going to need a bacta tank as well to regenerate the damaged area. "Don't say that. None of us could have expected that she'd be…a darksider." The word felt thick and oily in her mouth.

Ezra finally winced, as she began to swab the burn with bacta.

"Are you okay, _Cyare_?" She asked, softly as she looked from the wound to his face which was tightly composed again, giving away nothing.

"Yeah," he said flatly. She finished up, placing a large pad soaked in bacta over the wounded spot on his shoulder, then bandaging it to keep it in place.

"Ezra…"

"Bean, I can't. Just…" His head fell and his eyes closed, his lashes dark against his pale skin. "Just give me some time."

She nodded and squeezed his hand, before taking the medkit back to the front of the ship.

* * *

Ezra was in his room resting after getting back from the base medcenter. He'd been treated by the medics and given pain medicine for the agonizing burns from the redblade's lightsaber. One wound was a third degree burn and the shoulder wound had been a fourth degree. Sabine had brought him back, somewhat sedated, and she and Zeb got him settled in bed.

Now, Hera and Zeb were in the galley with Sabine, who was headed into command to debrief.

"I told them I'd be there in a few minutes." Sabine said, finishing the cup of caf that Hera had made for her. "Medics said that Ezra will sleep for a while, possibly even all night. They said in the best of circumstances, he really should be in a bacta tank for a few hours, but they didn't have a spot. They plan to keep a close eye on him for the next couple of days and see how he's healing." She placed her cup in the sink and twisted her hands together. "It's not really the wounds I'm worried about." She glanced up at Zeb. "It's the woman; what she said to him…"

"You mean the Jedi?" Hera urged when Sabine paused.

"She knew about Ezra losing Kanan. She read him like a book and tried to get him to fall…to the dark side." She looked meaningfully to Zeb. "We…we have to figure a way to help him. He wouldn't talk to me afterward." She looked longingly at Ezra's door, then shifted her gaze to the door to the cargo bay. "I…gotta go."

"We'll be here when you get back," Zeb said, catching her in a hug. "We'll figure this out, kit."

"Thanks, Zeb." Sabine hugged him back, then headed out the door.

"We've gotta keep an eye on him, Hera." The Lasat watched her Sabine go, then turned to the Twi'lek as he scrubbed a paw over his face.

"There's something you're not telling me," Hera said.

"Ezra's been struggling more than we knew." Zeb's voice was soft and low. "He…he's been taking off after missions. Drinking and Force knows what else." He ran a paw over his face. "Hera, you need to reconsider letting Ezra train Caleb. He loves the boy. The bond they have…and his bond with Sabine…may be the only things keeping Ezra from coming apart."

Neither of them had noticed that the door to Sabine's quarters stood open. In the semi-darkness something moved.

She shook her head. "There's something you're not telling me."

Zeb ignored what she said and went on. "If he's shutting Sabine out now…we might be losing him."

"What…what do you mean?"

Zeb sighed heavily. "Hera, the kit's turning to stuff worse than hooch."

"Like…like what?"

He spoke in a whisper. "Like glitteryll. Maybe other stuff, I don't know."

Hera gasped. "What? No…"

The Lasat pressed on. "You can't let on that you know. Ezra's pulling away from all of us. If you confront him about this, he'll probably run again. So…just don't. I've been thinking about this, Hera. We have to figure out a way to hold him here, not push him away. I think…it might all lead to Caleb. You can't deny that Kanan's son needs Ezra. A brother doesn't make up for a lost father, but at least the boy will have someone who understands him. And Ezra will have him." Zeb sighed. "And maybe…if we don't kark it up, we can hold on tight to both of them."

"I can't let Ezra train him to be a Jedi. You don't know what you're asking me to do, Zeb."

"I think I do." Zeb looked at her. "Hera…have you ever asked yourself what Kanan might have wanted?"

"How can…how can you ask me that?" she asked him, horror in her eyes.

His head was down, and there were several moments of silence before he spoke. "Because I can't bear to lose anyone else." Zeb said in a voice gravelly with pain. "Hera…you have to…to understand…"

When his voice broke, she leaned into him, overcome with tears. He hugged her back just as fiercely and they remained that way, sharing their grief for one of the first times since losing Kanan.

"I don't know how…to find my way through without him, Zeb." Hera's voice was strangled with sorrow.

"We'll find a way." Zeb promised. "For all of them, Hera."

Neither of them noticed Ezra disappear back into Sabine's room.

* * *

When Sabine returned from debriefing, she was bone tired. The cold seemed to have seeped into her, and she looked forward to curling herself up in the bed with Ezra and sleeping as long as her exhausted body required.

The _Ghost_ was quiet, except for the sound of Caleb laughing in his room. Apparently, Zeb was telling the little boy a story. Sabine heard the murmur of Hera's voice and another round of laughter. It felt good; Caleb had been too quiet lately, creeping around like a frightened lothcat-all eyes and tiptoes.

She shrugged off her jacket and stowed it in the closet. Then made her way to her room.

And Ezra wasn't there. She turned around and made her way to the fresher. "Ezra?" She knocked on the door, then opened it. It was empty. She began to frown.

She went to Caleb's door and knocked. "Hera?" She keyed the door and looked in. Hera and Caleb were on the floor, building a structure with his interlocking blocks while Zeb sat on the bunk.

"Sabine?" Hera could sense the stress in her voice.

"Ezra. Where's Ezra? He's not…not in my room." She could feel panic creeping up her spine.

"What do you mean?" Hera stood up abruptly. "We haven't heard a peep out of him."

"Did you check our room?" Zeb asked, standing and heading for the door. "Maybe…"

Sabine let out a sigh of relief. She hadn't expected him to be there, and so she hadn't checked. "Oh. That's probably it." They headed across to Zeb's quarters and her blood froze to see an empty room.

"Mama?" Caleb murmured as he looked up at Hera. She grabbed him in her arms, then stepped in the hallway. "Did you…"

Sabine answered, but was really speaking to herself. "No. Maybe I missed him. He was maybe meditating, or really still and I…" She flew to her room and slapped the panel. It hissed open to reveal an empty room.

"Where?" She murmured, turning in a circle. Then, with a rising sense of horror, she saw it.

Lying on the green blanket, directly in the middle of the bed was Ezra's lightsaber.

 


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> A/N: Sooo close to the end. This could be an ending, but I have a little wrap up planned, for when I can get to it. As usual, I live for your comments! Have a great rest of the weekend, you beautiful people.

Sabine picked up Ezra's lightsaber in her hands, her fingers clutching the ridged metal. "Oh, Ezra…no," she whispered, pulling the weapon into her chest and bowing her head.

"Sabine…" Zeb began.

She didn't reply.

Zeb and Hera shared a look as Hera swept up her son in her arms. Caleb's eyes were large as he glanced from his mother to Zeb.

"Ezra gone?" the little boy asked, worry in his eyes. "Mama—"

"I'm going after him." Sabine said after a moment, reaching up to wipe at her eyes. She let out a shaky sigh, talking almost to herself. "If he's done fighting...I can work with that. We'll find a quiet corner of the galaxy and wait this out until…until he's okay again or the Empire is defeated. Whatever he needs, but I'm not letting him go. No karking way." She ran a hand through her hair.

"Mama, where is Ezra?" Caleb asked, looking around and growing more distressed by the moment.

"Any ideas where he's gone?" Hera asked, patting Caleb's back soothingly. He began to cry, but the adults around him were too distracted to pay attention.

"I planted a long-range tracker after last time." Sabine said. "It would help if we knew the vector he left on."

"I'll go comm and see if he's taken a ship."

All of a sudden, the plastic container of art supplies on Sabine's shelf exploded. They all jumped as a shudder ran through the room, upending several other storage containers.

"I didn't mean to…" Caleb buried his face against Hera's shoulder and sobbed.

She rubbed his back, a crease of worry on her forehead. "It's okay sweetheart." She said, rocking him gently.

"No…no…Not okay for Ezra," he mumbled into her shoulder.

Sabine's chin trembled as she looked at him. Hera knew it was time to get Caleb out of here. "Give me a minute to talk to flight. Then you'll at least have an idea of where to start." She carried her crying son out of the room, his face still buried in her shoulder.

"Kit." Zeb came over and placed a hand on her shoulder. When she leaned in, he wrapped both arms around her and they remained that way for long moments.

"Ezra left his saber. Kanan said a Jedi's weapon is their life." She mumbled into his chest. When she was able, she glanced up into Zeb's green eyes, unable to ask the unutterable.

"He left it here because he trusts you, Sabine. Not…it's not what you think." Zeb shook his head. Surely Ezra wouldn't give up like that, he hoped.

Sabine nodded miserably. "I should have known she really got to him. That he was crashing again."

"No. You couldn't have known that. Ezra's gone to work something out in his mind." Zeb laid a hand on her hair and smoothed it down as she clung to him. "That has to be what this is."

Zeb held her loosely until they both heard Hera and Caleb coming. Sabine wiped at her face and looked up when they entered. "All ships are accounted for," Hera said. "If he left Hoth, he must have stowed away on one of three flights in the past few hours."

"Not here anymore," Caleb muttered, eyes far away.

Sabine's eyes landed on him and she came forward to cradle the boy in her arms. "You mean he's not on the _Ghost_ or he's not on the planet?" she asked, wondering if the boy could really know. He'd seem to know when his mother had been back on the planet before.

"Gone long way away." Caleb said, leaning into Sabine at her gentle soothing touch on his back. "Find Ezra, Bean." There was a sniffle and the little boy began sucking his thumb.

"I will, little cub." She hugged him tightly, then handed him back to Hera. What would happen to Caleb if Ezra were truly gone? She refused to think of it. "Okay, where were the flights to?"

"Tamyal, Garel and Sullust."

"I'll check them out in that order. Can I take the _Phantom_?"

Hera nodded. "Bring him back to us," she leaned in and hugged Sabine with her free arm.

* * *

As Ezra slept, he dreamed a memory.

"So, what uh…what about you and Hera?"

Kanan raised an eyebrow at the kid as he continued working on the _Ghost's_ atmospheric thrusters. "What **about** me and Hera?"

Ezra fiddled with the Harris wrench in his hand. "You know. What you told me about the Jedi Order and attachments…how does that fit with you and Hera? You're obviously…a um…a couple."

"Hera and I are…" Kanan frowned and held out his hand. "Gimme the wrench."

"I'm not trying to pry…I just…wondered." Ezra handed the wrench over, taking back the small mallet Kanan had been holding.

Kanan didn't speak for a minute as he retightened the bolts on the thruster. "Okay. This last one's done." He came out from behind the engine component and tossed the wrench at Ezra. "Catch." He said, after Ezra had already slowed its movement with the Force and caught it. "Hey, look at you, kid. You're getting quicker…" His tone was affectionate, and as if he were trying to punctuate it, he ruffled Ezra's hair.

"You're stalling." Ezra said, with sudden understanding.

His enigmatic teacher raised an eyebrow again. "It's complicated, Ezra. C'mon. Let's get some air."

They'd been in the stuffy engine room, but together they climbed down into the cargo bay and sat on the ramp, as a late summer breeze swept up into the ship. They had been parked out on Lothal's grassland, not too far from the tower where Kanan had first offered to be Ezra's teacher. Hera was gone to the city with Sabine and Zeb, which meant they had time to talk alone.

Ezra waited to see if his master would say any more. In the past year, he'd really been trying to devote himself to his studies and being the best Padawan he could be. Kanan was a good teacher and he'd steadily guided Ezra to becoming what Kanan referred to as a better version of himself. The Jedi had never failed to answer a question Ezra had, even if the answer was that he didn't know himself. So, he waited-reminding himself that patience was a Jedi virtue.

"Okay. I'm going to be honest with you, like always," Kanan began, watching the wind play over the dry yellow-green grass outside. "In the temple, we **were** taught that attachments were forbidden. Attachments open you up to the fear of loss, and fear leads to all kinds of problems for a Jedi. It's one of the things that a Jedi has to work very hard to deal with. I don't say conquer because it's a constant battle."

Ezra nodded.

"So…I spent a long time alone. After…after the Jedi were murdered, I didn't really have anyone. I knew being close to me could mean death, so I pushed away anyone who got too close." He thought a moment, fixing his eyes on a rock formation some ways away. "But it was a bad way for me to live, and I didn't handle my grief well. I…spent most of my time moving from place to place, working jobs here and there and drinking away all my money." He glanced over at Ezra. "I didn't care what happened to me—whether I lived or died. Several times…I almost put an end to it."

Ezra's mouth was agape. He wanted to ask exactly what Kanan meant but was afraid of the answer. "So, what happened?"

"What happened? I met Hera." Kanan shrugged. "And I…found my path again. I became…something better. Hera made me a better version of myself. Closer to who I might have been if the Jedi hadn't been destroyed. That's why I fell in love with her."

"So, you're saying that Hera was good for you."

"Yeah, kid. She was. She saved me."

"Then maybe the Jedi were wrong. How can loving someone be bad?" Ezra said, thinking about how he felt about Sabine. Sure, she still saw him as an awkward street rat, but he couldn't help hoping that that might change one day.

"The Jedi were just cautious. Love can be bad when you fear losing someone more than doing the right thing. A Jedi is supposed to feel love, Ezra. Caring and compassion for others are some of a good Jedi's best qualities. But a possessive kind of love…no. That kind of love can lead to the dark side. As far as I can tell…you have to hold on to those you love, but be ready to give them up for the greater good, if need be."

"What does that mean?" Ezra asked.

Kanan's eyes drifted far away for a moment and his voice changed. "I can't explain it. It's just a feeling I have about letting go. Holding on at the same time, but having to let…go…" His voice softened. "That's going to be the hard part."

"Kanan?" Ezra reached over and touched his arm. "You okay?"

Kanan looked at him blankly, then blinked a few times. "Yeah…sorry. There was something I was trying to remember." He seemed to stare out into the Lothalian grassland, getting his thoughts back together. "Anyway, never mind that...

"What it comes down to is this. As much as I believe in following the Jedi's teachings, I believe that you and I are supposed to forge our own path. The Force led me to Hera just as much as it led me to you—so I believe we're meant to be where we are." Kanan then glanced sidelong at Ezra with a smile. "And in the future, if you decide that someone means as much to you as Hera does to me, then you'll know how to handle things…if you ever have to love someone enough to let go."

* * *

"Kanan?" Ezra woke in an unfamiliar bed, his head throbbing. When he realized he was not on Lothal, with his long dead master, he turned over and curled into himself, pulling the blanket over his cold body.

The pain that flashed in his shoulder and arm from the movement reminded him of the lightsaber fight with the darksider. As he turned his attention to the Force, he found the sluggish thickness of the dark side still wrapping him firmly in its embrace.

It all came back quickly. He remembered running after the conversation between Hera and Zeb. The pain medication he'd been given made him woozy, but he was thinking well enough to realize that both Hera and Zeb now knew about the incident with the glitteryll. And again, probably for the last time, Hera had refused to allow Ezra to help Caleb with his growing abilities with the Force. It was then that the sinuous voice of the darksider had begun to weave its way into his mind.

_You will fall and take the ones you love down with you._

_The dark side eats at you._

_You believe its truth._

The whispering in his mind had almost broadcasted itself to Caleb before Ezra threw up his strongest shields. Head pounding, he'd left the Ghost at almost a run, trying to put as much space between himself and the ones he loved. He loved them enough to let them go.

He'd stowed away in the cargo bay of a ship that was readying itself for takeoff. During the departure from Hoth's atmosphere and their entry to hyperspace, he had remained crouched behind shipping crates, falling into an uneasy sleep off and on as the journey continued. When they'd landed at the spaceport, Ezra had woken up and darted out of the cargo bay before they had even known he was there.

He wasn't surprised when he saw it was Garel they'd landed on.

Renting a room in a filthy flophouse yesterday, he'd paced it for hours, trying to walk off the frantic anxiety ripping him into pieces. Sleeping and meditating had been futile. When he'd left Hoth, he hadn't been thinking of where he would end up, or even what it might do to Sabine, Zeb, Hera for him to just take off. But now, his mind turned to that and guilt chewed at him. He'd run because he was afraid of hurting them, of exposing them to the darkness that seemed to be growing inside him. But now he saw it for what it was. Cowardice. He'd deserted Sabine without a word. He'd run from his family, because he'd been afraid of facing the darkness he had been grappling with ever since Kanan's death. They wouldn't be likely to forgive him this time and maybe they really **were** better off without him. In fact, as the hours wore on, he became more convinced this was for the best as the voice of the dark side hammered at him.

Before dusk fell on the planet, he'd given in to his darker impulses and gone out drinking.

The way the dark side was now squeezing the air from him, he knew he'd do the same tonight as well.

* * *

Sabine set the _Phantom_ down in the spaceport. "Okay, Chop. Track the transponder." It was early evening on Garel, and Sabine didn't expect to be here long. She hadn't found him on the first planet, but she'd picked up the faint ding of the tracker when they hit Garel. As soon as she was able to nab Ezra, she was dragging his rear end back home, conscious or unconscious. Then they would figure out what needed to be done, whether it meant more communication between the two of them or foregoing the rebellion altogether to wait it out in some lonely part of the galaxy.

She closed her eyes and shook her head sadly. Ezra had been through so much, that it was understandable if he couldn't keep going. He'd been fighting since being a teenager, and everyone knew the toll of combat on soldiers. Everyone had a limit when they'd seen or been through too much. If it was that time for Ezra, then her place was with him.

Chopper began to squawk that he found the signal three blocks away from the spaceport.

She laid her hand on his dome. "Thank you, Chop. Stay with the ship, okay?"

Chopper warbled, asking her to be sure and bring the kid Jedi back.

"Aww, keep that up and I'll think you actually like him."

Chopper stated that he wouldn't go that far. Then he said something that surprised Sabine—he said that he had promised KananJarrus to watch out for the kid.

"Ch-Chopper? When did that happen?"

Chopper replied that it was right before the battle of Lothal. KananJarrus made him promise to look after them all, especially Hera and Ezra. Sabine bowed her head. Had Kanan known what was going to happen to him before he entered that cave with the Loth-wolves? She took a deep breath, steadying herself, before looking up at Chopper's photoreceptor.

"Chopper, I know Kanan would be proud of the job you've done."

Chopper warbled and rocked back and forth on his struts at the praise. He said that looking after Hera, Ezra and the rest of them was a full-time job and they were karking lucky that he was up for the task.

She gave him a gentle pat on the dome. "We are. I'll be back."

She followed the signal, her stomach in knots. Would she find Ezra in a bar, or somewhere worse? She found herself wondering what kind of shape he'd be in. If he was on spice, she would kill him later, once she got him home.

The signal led her to a bar with a metal door and bars on the one window in front of her. Trailing her hand reassuringly over the grip of a Westar, she pulled the door and entered.

It was not a loud place, but it was dark and crowded. She glared at the bouncer checking her out by the door, and moved on inside.

Couples were on the small dance floor, bodies mashed against each other as they swayed to the beat. The hardcore drinkers were at the bar and small tables toward the back of the place. Sabine's eyes scanned the room and she saw nothing. She briefly considered asking the bartender about Ezra, but then decided to do a circuit of the place first. No use in drawing attention to him unnecessarily.

She started along the wall near the bar and worked her way around to the opposite wall when she saw him. He was sitting alone in a booth. There was a bottle and an unused glass in front of him; as she watched, he reached for the bottle of liquor, turned it up and swallowed a big mouthful, foregoing the glass.

She went to him, her heart hammering in her chest. "Ezra."

He looked up with confusion. He was pale, with dark smudges under his eyes that spoke to his utter exhaustion. She could see the pain on his face, and with relief, she realized that he was not high on glitteryll. There was too much emotion in his blue eyes for that. So, just drunk then, she thought. She could deal with that.

She held out her hand to him. "Come on."

Ezra closed his eyes and pressed his eyelids with the fingers of one hand. "Sabine. You should just leave me here. I don't deserve-"

She cut him off with a touch on his shoulder. "Ezra, stop. Don't think about it, just come home with me." Slowly, she held out a hand to him again.

She stilled her breath as long moments passed, until he took her hand. When he stood up, she saw he wasn't just drunk, but _very_ drunk. He staggered, and she put an arm around his shoulder to steady him.

"Okay," she nodded. "Let's go."

Ezra followed her outside, and she kept a death grip on his hand as she led him back to the Phantom. They entered the ship and for once, Chopper was silent, thank the Force.

Once inside, Ezra slid down the wall to sit on the floor. When Sabine locked the ramp, she called for clearance to leave, received it, and programmed the _Phantom_ for the series of jumps that would lead home. She did not want to give Ezra a chance to leave again.

When they hit hyperspace, she turned back to him. He was sitting in a meditation position-his head was down and his eyes were closed. When she noticed him shiver, she quietly grabbed a blanket and brought it over.

She knelt and got his attention by placing her hands on both sides of his face and pulling up his gaze to hers. He looked as if he hadn't slept well in a long time, even though he'd been gone only a day and a half this time. "What am I going to do with you?" she asked in a soft voice no louder than a whisper as her thumbs smoothed over his cheeks.

Slowly, he reached up and grabbed her hands in his. His fingers were cold. "Drop me on the nearest asteroid." He snorted derisively, then grew sad. "I'm sorry, Sabine," he looked away, avoiding her eyes.

"No. Don't be. You need to rest before we talk, Ezra." She brushed his shoulder with her hand. "I know you're tired. It's not that comfortable, but lay down a while and sleep it off." She gave him the blanket and folded her jacket into a rectangle for him to lay under his head. Once she had him settled, she sat beside him, back against the wall and rubbed his shoulder lightly until it seemed that he drifted off.

Sabine let out a heavy sigh. All the stress and anxiety over Ezra welled up and she closed her eyes tightly. This was a mess. Her elbows rested on her knees that were pulled up toward her chest and she ran her hands through her hair and sighed again, rubbing her scalp. Her head ached as much as her heart. Was there something else she could be doing for him? How badly had she screwed this up?

"It wasn't you."

She looked over at Ezra with surprise. His heavily-lidded blue eyes were regarding her—he had read her emotions. Kriff. "Ezra. You're supposed to be sleeping, _Cyare_."

"No." The words came out with effort, as if he was ripping them out of himself unwillingly. "The…the dark sider. Sh-she got to me, and I started thinking about what she said and then I panicked. It's the dark side—it crawled inside me when she said I would end up hurting all of you and…I can't get free of it, B-bean." A tear slipped down his face and soaked into her coat. He wiped at his cheek furiously. "I tried, but I…"

That was it. She slid down so that they were both lying on the floor of the _Phantom_ , facing each other. "You will get free of it. But we'll do it together. If it means leaving the Rebellion, fine. If it means we find some corner of the galaxy to wait this thing out…then fine. But you can't run from your family. I know you have to protect all of us; it's in a Jedi's DNA or something, but we have to protect you too." She looked into his blue eyes and thought she could see a fragile hope growing there. "Okay?" she asked him.

He nodded. She took his hands in her own and pulled them to her heart.

"I'd do anything for you. Promise that you'll talk to me if you're struggling like this."

"I promise." Ezra said in a whisper.

"Good. Break your promise to me and I'll kick your ass, Ezra Bridger," she said softly, "Force or no Force. You know that right?"

"Yeah. I do." He smiled, a pale version of his usual grin, but seeing it made her heart feel better.

"Good. We'll be in hyperspace for a while—so just sleep it off. I'll be here when you wake up." There was a long period of silence between them, and she thought he'd fallen asleep as she gazed at his face in the glow cast by the _Phantom's_ instrument panel.

"Sure you don't wanna drop me off on the closest asteroid? Last chance, Bean…" Ezra mumbled, his voice becoming thick with sleep as he draped an arm over her waist.

"Shut up," she murmured affectionately, running her hand over his hair. It had been a few weeks since he'd cut it and it was getting longer, softening his features and making him look more like the Ezra she used to know. The Ezra before Kanan had died. She frowned as she realized she'd do anything to get that Ezra back. "Now go to sleep, okay?"

There was an unintelligible murmur from him, and then he was asleep for good. Not long after, she fell asleep as well, her head on his shoulder.

* * *

Sabine had awoken and was checking the navicomputer when she glanced over and saw that Ezra was awake. He was sitting up and yawning.

"We'll be done with this last jump in just a minute." Sabine said.

Ezra nodded, getting up off the floor and folding up the blanket they had used. He took Sabine's coat and brought it to her, holding it as she slipped her arms into it. Then he sat beside her in the copilot's seat, looking out at the starlines.

"Sabine…I…" Ezra began, not exactly knowing what to say, but knowing he needed to say _something_.

She turned to him and before he could look up, she was kissing him—one hand on his shirt, pulling him in, while the other brushed the side of his face. He gave in to the sensation of it, and wrapped his arms around her. Before he knew what was happening, the dark thoughts that had been stalking him were not wrapped around his soul quite as tightly as before. When she finally ended the kiss and they pulled apart fall enough to look into each other's eyes, he wasn't thinking about anything but the love flowing from her Force signature.

"I love you," he whispered while catching his breath.

"If you mean that, don't you ever, **_ever_** **_think_** about leaving without me again," she said, her hand still twisted in his shirt. "Stop closing me out. If you need to leave…to have some time away from this karking mess we're in, that's fine, but I go with you." She waited for a nod from him, then went on. "You can lean on me, Ezra—I won't break."

Ezra started to say something, to explain or make an excuse, but the fire in her amber eyes made him think better of it, so he simply nodded again.

They were interrupted by the ship dropping out of hyperspace. Immediately after, there was a beep from the comm requesting landing codes. Sabine supplied them as the Phantom sailed closer and closer to the ice ball they called home.

During the approach, Sabine's personal comm beeped. It was Hera.

"Sabine? Is he…" She left the unasked question hanging in the air between them.

"Ezra's with me." Sabine said softly. "I brought him home."


End file.
